Wow!

I've been slacking off on my blogging apparently. I guess the past few days have been okay, since it seems like I don't post much on those days. I probably should, I think this should be a place that tells the story of our journey while we navigate our pain & loss, and the good days are always going to be a part of it.

We spent the day yesterday doing laundry. I slept in pretty late, since I really haven't been feeling all that great for about a week or so. Dad played a game on the 360 for quite awhile, too & then we took a donation to Goodwill & stopped at the store. 

Today was groceries & such, which we got done before dad went to work at 10:30. I went back to bed for about an hour, I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  

The State Fair started today, we plan to go on Sunday, since we haven't been since you guys were tiny. At least we can park at dad's job & catch the shuttle, which is a lot cheaper than trying to get parking close by. 

I just can't believe I've been here for almost a year - that it's been almost a year since I saw you last. I wish you could have known how much we missed you & how much we love you. You always seemed to believe that our love for you could go away, and here it is, just like it always was, but now you're gone & we can't show you anymore. I just miss you, Erin.

I miss this..

Relationships

I know that you struggled with relationships the last year if your life - trying to figure out where you fit in, who your friends were, how to keep your independence & the people you loved at the same time. You were forging new friendships & making new relationships with people you'd known awhile.

I wonder about some of those relationships, not understanding what the draw to those people was. I know you rarely offered just part of your friendship to anyone, so you must have seen something worthwhile in order to expend the effort. I know that like attracts like & that probably explains more than I want to think about right now.

I honestly wish you could have seen how many people genuinely loved & cared for you. I wish you hadn't shut so many people out of your life. I wish you had realized how much dad & I loved you & wanted the best for you, even when things were difficult between us. I guess I could spend the rest of my life beating myself up with all of the "if only" and "I wish" statements, but they won't bring you back.

I just miss you.

Broken Trust

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time feeling close to people who lie to me or pretend to be on my side in an argument so that they can tell the other party everything I said. 

There isn't any reason to lie to people.

I don't believe I was accidentally unfriended. 

I don't  believe that people found out my blog address on their own. 

I don't believe that treating people like shit until you need something is decent human behavior.

I don't have time to waste on people who value the psychotic opinions of assholes over a relationship where I've been there for them for almost as long as they can remember. 

I don't need friends so desperately that I'm willing to betray the people who have stepped up as true family in my life to keep them. 

It's clear to me that some people will never understand that some of us don't throw the word "family" around, that it really does mean something to us. It hurts us when you treat us like we're casual acquaintances until we can do something for you.

I've had my fill of lies. If I've unfriended you (or you have done the same to me) don't request to be readded. I'm done.

Life

Another day off for dad, more time relaxing & doing whatever. We're getting ready to draft players for fantasy football with your brother, it should be pretty fun. It'll be something to do, at any rate.

We went to the library today (yes, it's open on Sunday) and I'm finally reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' since I seem to be the only person on the planet who hasn't read it.

Tiblows sent me a message today, apologizing for the way he treated you guys as kids & expressing his condolences, then he launched into a good, old-fashioned LDS sermon, so I was done at that point. I might have been able to tell him I forgave him, but after that, I'm just going to ignore the whole thing. We all know how much I love being preached to.

I've been okay the past couple of days, an little bitterness about various things, but mostly just moving on & going through the motions of every day life. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get by.

Hanging On

Some days I wonder if I'm waiting for all of this to feel real or if I'm hoping it never does.

It seems I've lost so much in the time since you died, but if I think long & hard, I've gained some things, too.

I lost you, and along with that a huge chunk of my identity, who I thought I was all of these years. Who I was on May 7, 2015, died the next day, and I struggle with figuring out who I am now. I lost the ability to think about your childhood & because of that I can't think about anything during those years, it all hurts too much. I lost some friends, but I have to wonder if they were really my friends after all. I lost my belief that I'm lucky - I used to believe that I was the luckiest woman in the world - I had a great husband who loved me, 3 great kids, amazing bonus kids, beautiful grandchildren, awesome friends & so much more. I wasn't lucky, fate was just waiting to start taking it all away until I wasn't paying attention.. Until I had started to take it all for granted. Now I'm just scared.

I gained a new understanding of loss. I gained the ability to set boundaries for myself & uphold them. I am grateful. I don't take the people in my life for granted anymore. I cherish those people in my life that I know will stick by me no matter what, those who accept me for who I am, who forgive when we have arguments & who understand that sometimes I'm irrational & over the top, but that I'm not always that way. I learned that I was right when I said I would never survive one of my children dying - because I'm not that person anymore, she didn't survive, but the woman I am today, the one who was born from your ashes, is stronger than I ever thought I could be. 

I Didn't Know

I never knew you'd be so lost when we moved.

I never planned to leave you behind.

 The plan was always that you'd come with us, and I still believed that until the day you got into the car in November & went back to Utah with Dad.

When we bought this house, we were so excited because there was room for all of us, even if we had to be somewhat creative about it. Then suddenly you were moving out because you weren't coming with us & you started to shut down & push us out of your life. You started to lie to me & act cold & hurt & angry. 

You & your sister were both adrift without us, you were both terrified the other would leave & when she went back to prison I never knew you'd feel so lost & alone in the world. I was here, Erin. All you had to do was reach out. I'd have done anything I could have to help you then, but I couldn't because you never told me that you were struggling. 

Did you know at the end of January, when you took that last walk with her, that it would truly be your last walk together? That the two of you would never have another conversation together? 

Did you know on May 6, that you'd never make it to Salt War? That I'd never see you again? Never talk to you again? I was so excited to see you.

I miss you, Erin. There's a hole in my soul that's shaped like you (suddenly I was reminded of your sister singing 'The shape of a boy...' at you), that will never be full again & I don't know what to do to ease the hurt, to make this horrible, overwhelming sense of loss go away. Some days I think I'm okay, but then, in the middle of the night, thoughts like these strike me & the tears start & I know the next day will be another one full of tears.

It's been awhile since I had a day like this. I feel out of sorts, overwhelmed & empty today.

Still Unreal

Some days it's still almost impossible for me to believe that you're gone. Today, I watching a video of a dog that knew how to climb down a ladder (and presumably up one, too) & my first thought was to post it to your Facebook & tell you it was the next trick you need to teach Bella. I actually started to & then reality stuck it's nasty nose in there & reminded me that if she was going to learn anything new, it was gonna be me that taught her. I hate it. It does me no good to stomp my feet & insist it isn't fair & that I want you back, everyone knows it isn't fair & none of us can change it.

Sadly, though, I'm seeing some of the relationships that your death helped heal falling apart again. Enough time has passed for true natures & old feelings & resentments to start to come back. Some that weren't damaged before are now, because life is a messed up, crazy ride & sometimes people are just unhappy with who they're sitting with. I guess, in the end, everything will be the way it's meant to be, good or bad.

Reflection

Losing you has caused me to do a lot of thinking. But just about what may have gone wrong to take your life, but how I live my life, how I love the people in my life & the things that are worth fighting for or those hat I should just leave behind because they're dragging me down.

I'm working on trying to accept that I'll never understand what went on with you in last year you were alive & that I may not ever know why you died. Right now those thoughts don't give me any peace or comfort, maybe one day, the acceptance might.

I'm accepting that there are people who, no matter how much I may love them, have no place in my life either because of their own behavior regarding me or my behavior regarding them. It's easier at a distance to see who those people are & to see who those are that I need & can't do without. 

I'm learning that all of those things that I thought were the big, important things really weren't.  Those little things that I was never sure mattered? Those are all the things I miss about you. Your silliness. Your smile. Your outrage. The arguments. Drinking coffee with you. Listening to you play music. Seeing the joy you felt when you were working outside. Watching you at Amtgard. I rarely think about the things that aggravated & worried me so much. I didn't think I'd ever miss worrying about you, but if I was worried, you'd still be here.

I try to remember, when people are angry at me for standing up for what I believe is right, that those same people will miss that about me when I too, am gone. I know that even though you & I often argued about what we thought was right, I miss that you cared enough about the world & people to stand up when you saw an injustice, even if it meant I was going to disagree.

I'm working on learning to love people in spite of their faults & to stop focusing on those things, because that's how I want to be loved by people. That has to happen within reason, because I'm still too fragile emotionally to allow people's faults to injure me, and to know when to let go of them. I should already know how to do this, but since I don't, it's high time I learned.

To Morgan, Chris & Jodee

I kept your names out of here. I vented my frustration with you in the only place I can freely speak my mind. If I can't do it here without repercussions from you, where can I? To my husband who has regular panic attacks since his son died & is devastated on the inside? To a stranger on the street? I have no friends here. There is no one to vent to. This is my blog, it belongs to me. 

I post about my grief over MY SON dying without any warning. I post what I'm feeling so I don't get up one if these days & blow my fucking brains out. I'm sorry if my feelings offend you. I'm sorry that I'm not on your side in this situation. I'm not the one destroying friendships over a fucking tattoo. You guys are doing that. If you don't like what you read here, it's pretty easy, don't read it. Grow up, walk away & stop reading it. I know it's hard to be enough of an adult to actually tell people when you're upset, and they it's easier to unfriend someone or block them. I'll be removing any of you who are in groups that I admin & then I'll unfriend & block Jodee, too. If I'm not good enough to be your friend, you won't be spying on me, either. Fuck off.

Life Goes On

Still waiting for your DC, I often wonder if we'll be waiting forever. At any rate, when it dies get here, I gave no intention to post your cause of death publicly. There are very few people who really have a need and a right to know that. It's just not for public consumption. 

People are still angry about tattoos & angry at me for not jumping on the bandwagon to screw the artist, but that's life. It goes on & you either realize you were wrong in your reaction, or you don't. The very worst part of the whole thing is that there were people who were waiting to get theirs, who were being reasonable & decent & they won't be able to afford to get theirs now. Isn't that always the way things go, though? Someone gets greedy or pushy & ruins it for the people who are quiet & waiting in line.

I've been sick, some cold or other bug. Probably from changing climates going back & forth to Utah, but I'm feeling better today. Bella is afraid of thunder & fireworks now, I'm not sure if it's learned behavior from Tiny or something else, but she is.

I'm okay. I worry that Zoloft is preventing me from grieving properly, but I guess I'll take being numb over crying every day. I do cry occasionally, but I'm better able to process my thoughts about your death this way. I'm not beating myself up over it these days. I didn't take your hand & lead you up that final path. You walked that alone, fully aware of the consequences & what was lying ahead if you didn't turn around. I offered you a way out. A place to start over, yet again. You didn't want it. That was your choice. I miss you. I love you. But I didn't kill you.

I Wish People Would Grow Up

You know, the memorial tattoos were supposed to be a way to help people heal. They weren't supposed to be a competition to see who could get the biggest tattoo for the least amount of money. I don't see why in the world anyone needs a full side piece done. Mine is about 8" X 6" & took 4 hours including a 30 minute or so dinner break & a few short ones to let me stretch. It was probably even less than that by the time we got going on it.

Everyone else since then? Less time than mine, smaller pieces than mine. Now someone comes in & asks for a full side, full color design & gets told that he'll be charged $100 an hour for it & so, instead of being reasonable & asking if it's because it's so much work & so big & deciding on a smaller, less extensive piece, he throws a fit & starts thrashing the guy's reputation & demeaning his art. He isn't understanding that the guy doing the tattoos didn't have to agree to the terms he did, we didn't ask for him to give us a break of any type, he offered out of the goodness of his heart. He's saying "if you want me to do this particular tattoo at this size, I'm going to have to charge you this amount of money" likely hoping he'll decide on something else. 

At any rate, why message me whining about it? I'm not a 35 year old's mommy or protector. Talk to him. Find out why he's charging you. Don't take it to FB and thrash his reputation because you didn't get your way. Be a fucking adult. Stop letting your inner addict speak for you.

Not Much to Say

There isn't much going on. We still haven't received your death certificate, with your cause of death. Maybe someday we will, I hope so, since we paid for a copy & all. I guess if it never gets here, we can always order one, I just don't want to have to do that.

Haven't heard from your sister in a few days, which might be a bad thing, but of course, I have no idea. I imagine I should check up on her & make sure she's still ok. 

My tattoo is itching like a mo'fo' today, so us Dawn's. I think Ike, Jen & Jason are getting theirs today. I'm excited to see what Jön does with their ideas. I'm not sure when anyone else is having theirs done, we told people to go & talk to him & set up appointments, hopefully they are.

Easier - At Least Right Now

I feel better since we got back home. It could be closure, it could be Zoloft, it doesn't matter, I feel like I can get through every day now. I still ache for your presence, I still feel like a piece of my soul is missing, but I know that will always be the case. Our family will always be missing a member, we can't change that, no matter how much we all wish we could, or that we could understand what happened that night. I'm learning to deal with my regrets, either by owning them or releasing them, a little at a time, eventually, maybe the only ones that will be left will be those that changed all of us.

I love you, Erin. 

I miss you, my boyli.

Those things will never change.

Back Home

I really didn't have time to write much while we were gone, it seemed the only time I wasn't busy, I was in bed. Our tattoo is beautiful, Erin, you'd have approved of it. Jön did an amazing job of capturing what I was going for with it. Dawn's tattoo was even more you - it made several of your friends tear up. I have a pretty strong feeling you know all of this, though, I felt you pretty strongly while we were there and I'm not the only one.

Your funeral rites were everything I hoped they would be. Several of your friends were there, everyone spoke about you & I think it was the closure & beginning of healing that everyone needed. There was a lot of energy in the circle that night & a whole lot of love. Whatever else you may have been in your life, Erin, you were loved by so many people.

Your sis didn't come back with us like she planned & while I'm disappointed, I understand that she wasn't ready & it's ok. Hopefully, we have plenty of time left together, but as I learned with you, you just never know.

Packed. Ready.

Everything but the cooler is in my car & ready to go. I hope. I think we're about as ready as we can ever be. We've both been very emotional today, knowing your birthday is tomorrow & that from here on out we're just marking dates where you would've been a certain age hurts. It's impossible to begin to describe the feeling. Then, 2 days after that marks the 3rd month that you've been gone from our lives.

It's not easier. 

It's not better.

If you ever seriously entertained the idea that we would all be "better off" without you, we aren't.

We are all just empty shells that walk around with pasted on smiles so that no one asks if we're ok. We aren't ok. We will probably never fully be ok again. If anyone who asks how I am was really interested, I'd tell them how I am. I'm broken, my life is shattered, my dreams are dead, I hurt every day. I cry, at least a little, every day of my life. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I'm not jealous of people who have all of their children or of inside jokes that parents share with their kids. I'm angry. Angry because this is so fucking unfair. Angry because I get to spend the rest of my life without one of my kids. Angry because this pain is who I am now & I hate it & hate crying. That's how I am.

Almost Time to Go

Our clothes are ready to go, I'm almost done getting everything else ready to go out to the car. I was printing your obituary & ran out of ink (of course) and since the choice is buying food for the trip to Utah or buying ink, I asked our tribe to help out & it's being handled.

We have to leave early to go get BT since he has no car to drive now, and he's leading your funeral rites & really, even if he wasn't, he'd want to be there. You left a bunch of devastated siblings when you died, young people who shouldn't have to be dealing with this loss, but are nonetheless. In most cases, they are doing it quietly & in their own way, but grieving & broken, they are.

I'm amazed by the number of people who are just beginning to find out about your death. It was the most life-changing event (other than becoming a mother) in my life, it feels like there's no way the world doesn't already know (do you know who I am?!?) I guess it's filtering through your sister's FB now, to people you didn't have in common & they all seem equally surprised that you're gone. She's okay, on the outside, but like all of us, obliterated on the inside. She calls me often, we both feel your loss profoundly. She's coming home with us Sunday, to spend time with us, to see if she wants to move here eventually, to get to know this place you were both born in & to scatter your ashes where you began. We're trying to leave as little of you there as we can, we know you didn't want to be there & I sure as hell don't want your remains being left there. I couldn't convince you to leave, but I'll be damned if I leave more of your ashes there than I have to.

Just. Stop.

Well, we almost lost another one. BT was in a really scary car accident this past weekend, he completely totaled his car on I-70, and could very well have died in it. He had no injuries at all, which is a huge relief. 

I'm not sure what's going on & why we've had so many close calls this year, just in the past few months really, but it needs to stop. None of us can take any more loss. We've had our limit. I know in my case, just the thought of losing anyone else causes me to start to panic. One can only manage to carry so many layers of grief at a time.

We're trying to figure out a way to get him back to Utah with us this week now, for your funeral rites, so I'm guessing our travel plans have to change slightly, which is fine, whatever gets him there.

I got to talk for quite a long time to your sister today (on the phone) which was great. I've missed her so much, and it's nice to have the luxury to talk for as long as we wanted to about whatever came up. We haven't done that in a long time.

Stupid

Why do I find myself feeling guilty when I'm happy? That's so stupid. I didn't kill you. I didn't do anything that lead, in any way, to your death, why should I feel guilty when I'm able to find a tiny spot in a day that actually makes me smile - or heaven forbid - laugh? I'm along way from feeling normal & I'm honestly not even sure what that means anymore, at least for me, but unlike the first month, I have entire days when I don't cry. 

Dad & I were out last night, getting our lone dinner out during our pay period, and something struck me as funny & I laughed, dad laughed along with me & I instantly felt guilty, as if by being miserable & completely bereft all of the time will somehow - if I'm just sad enough - it will bring you back.

That's ridiculous. Why would my mind even do that?