Packed. Ready.

Everything but the cooler is in my car & ready to go. I hope. I think we're about as ready as we can ever be. We've both been very emotional today, knowing your birthday is tomorrow & that from here on out we're just marking dates where you would've been a certain age hurts. It's impossible to begin to describe the feeling. Then, 2 days after that marks the 3rd month that you've been gone from our lives.

It's not easier. 

It's not better.

If you ever seriously entertained the idea that we would all be "better off" without you, we aren't.

We are all just empty shells that walk around with pasted on smiles so that no one asks if we're ok. We aren't ok. We will probably never fully be ok again. If anyone who asks how I am was really interested, I'd tell them how I am. I'm broken, my life is shattered, my dreams are dead, I hurt every day. I cry, at least a little, every day of my life. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I'm not jealous of people who have all of their children or of inside jokes that parents share with their kids. I'm angry. Angry because this is so fucking unfair. Angry because I get to spend the rest of my life without one of my kids. Angry because this pain is who I am now & I hate it & hate crying. That's how I am.