Saturday, August 1, 2015


Why do I find myself feeling guilty when I'm happy? That's so stupid. I didn't kill you. I didn't do anything that lead, in any way, to your death, why should I feel guilty when I'm able to find a tiny spot in a day that actually makes me smile - or heaven forbid - laugh? I'm along way from feeling normal & I'm honestly not even sure what that means anymore, at least for me, but unlike the first month, I have entire days when I don't cry. 

Dad & I were out last night, getting our lone dinner out during our pay period, and something struck me as funny & I laughed, dad laughed along with me & I instantly felt guilty, as if by being miserable & completely bereft all of the time will somehow - if I'm just sad enough - it will bring you back.

That's ridiculous. Why would my mind even do that?

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