Relationships

I know that you struggled with relationships the last year if your life - trying to figure out where you fit in, who your friends were, how to keep your independence & the people you loved at the same time. You were forging new friendships & making new relationships with people you'd known awhile.

I wonder about some of those relationships, not understanding what the draw to those people was. I know you rarely offered just part of your friendship to anyone, so you must have seen something worthwhile in order to expend the effort. I know that like attracts like & that probably explains more than I want to think about right now.

I honestly wish you could have seen how many people genuinely loved & cared for you. I wish you hadn't shut so many people out of your life. I wish you had realized how much dad & I loved you & wanted the best for you, even when things were difficult between us. I guess I could spend the rest of my life beating myself up with all of the "if only" and "I wish" statements, but they won't bring you back.

I just miss you.

Broken Trust

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time feeling close to people who lie to me or pretend to be on my side in an argument so that they can tell the other party everything I said. 

There isn't any reason to lie to people.

I don't believe I was accidentally unfriended. 

I don't  believe that people found out my blog address on their own. 

I don't believe that treating people like shit until you need something is decent human behavior.

I don't have time to waste on people who value the psychotic opinions of assholes over a relationship where I've been there for them for almost as long as they can remember. 

I don't need friends so desperately that I'm willing to betray the people who have stepped up as true family in my life to keep them. 

It's clear to me that some people will never understand that some of us don't throw the word "family" around, that it really does mean something to us. It hurts us when you treat us like we're casual acquaintances until we can do something for you.

I've had my fill of lies. If I've unfriended you (or you have done the same to me) don't request to be readded. I'm done.

Reflection

Losing you has caused me to do a lot of thinking. But just about what may have gone wrong to take your life, but how I live my life, how I love the people in my life & the things that are worth fighting for or those hat I should just leave behind because they're dragging me down.

I'm working on trying to accept that I'll never understand what went on with you in last year you were alive & that I may not ever know why you died. Right now those thoughts don't give me any peace or comfort, maybe one day, the acceptance might.

I'm accepting that there are people who, no matter how much I may love them, have no place in my life either because of their own behavior regarding me or my behavior regarding them. It's easier at a distance to see who those people are & to see who those are that I need & can't do without. 

I'm learning that all of those things that I thought were the big, important things really weren't.  Those little things that I was never sure mattered? Those are all the things I miss about you. Your silliness. Your smile. Your outrage. The arguments. Drinking coffee with you. Listening to you play music. Seeing the joy you felt when you were working outside. Watching you at Amtgard. I rarely think about the things that aggravated & worried me so much. I didn't think I'd ever miss worrying about you, but if I was worried, you'd still be here.

I try to remember, when people are angry at me for standing up for what I believe is right, that those same people will miss that about me when I too, am gone. I know that even though you & I often argued about what we thought was right, I miss that you cared enough about the world & people to stand up when you saw an injustice, even if it meant I was going to disagree.

I'm working on learning to love people in spite of their faults & to stop focusing on those things, because that's how I want to be loved by people. That has to happen within reason, because I'm still too fragile emotionally to allow people's faults to injure me, and to know when to let go of them. I should already know how to do this, but since I don't, it's high time I learned.

Stupid

Why do I find myself feeling guilty when I'm happy? That's so stupid. I didn't kill you. I didn't do anything that lead, in any way, to your death, why should I feel guilty when I'm able to find a tiny spot in a day that actually makes me smile - or heaven forbid - laugh? I'm along way from feeling normal & I'm honestly not even sure what that means anymore, at least for me, but unlike the first month, I have entire days when I don't cry. 

Dad & I were out last night, getting our lone dinner out during our pay period, and something struck me as funny & I laughed, dad laughed along with me & I instantly felt guilty, as if by being miserable & completely bereft all of the time will somehow - if I'm just sad enough - it will bring you back.

That's ridiculous. Why would my mind even do that?

Stupid Back!

Well, my back is fucked today. I can't bend, it's hard to change from sitting to standing & vice versa, hard to get in & out if the car. Fun times and I'm getting nothing done because I hurt too much.

The happy news is that your sister will be out in about 8 or 9 days. I'm so excited to be able to spend time talking to her & not worry about being cut off by the computer voice telling us we have one minute left. I'm also really looking forward to seeing her. I think I've proven to myself that I need to be around the kids I raised, the ones who understand me & whom I understand. Since I can never be around you again, I guess I have to spend twice as much time with her now.

Things just aren't ever going to be normal again, are they?

Better

I feel better today. I'm not so angry. I still feel a little hurt that a big deal wasn't made over the amazing ban you were. I guess a lot of that was my own fault, in wanting to do things the way you'd have wanted them done & insisting it be done where you lived & grew up & as quickly as we could.  I didn't make a big deal out of any of your accomplishments, because it felt like bragging I guess, so by the time you were grown, no one here knew much about you. I feel like a I may have done you a disservice, but I didn't know any better - it was how I was raised.

Anyway. I'm getting things ready for our trip back, to see your sister. To finish saying goodbye. To scatter some ashes. To get the remaining detritus of our lives there & try to start over again. I miss you. So, so much. I miss the things we used to do together - just you & I, things I may never be able to do again without bawling my eyes out. 

We aren't going to Gage's funeral. I can't even talk about it out loud without crying because it brings back all of my pain over losing you. We wouldn't do them any good by being so torn apart by our own pain. 

I Never Realized

I don't think I even knew how many times you crossed my mind every day, in the most casual ways, but since you still do, I'm going to say it's probably always been that way. I'm sure your sister & brother cross it just as many times a days, but because it doesn't hurt, I don't really notice it. I miss your sister & I worry about her, because I haven't heard from her in awhile, but that's different than the sudden realization after thinking, "What should I get Erin for his birthday?" that you're gone & your birthdays will just be another day to remember that you're gone. 

I bought a planner a few days after we got back from your first memorial, it's been really therapeutic while I stagger my way through the loss of you. It helps me see that even though Friday still hurts, that there are other things during the week that don't, and that when I mark the day you died each month, that the month shows me things that I can celebrate and be happy about. I look forward to using it every day & decorating it every week, making things for it and all of that. It's one of the few truly selfish things I'm doing these days. 

So, today's picture is the layout I did for next week, the 2 month anniversary of your death. It's green & black, because you loved those colors. The owls represent the souls of the newly departed dead. The quotes speak to me about your life, how you lived fully & fearlessly, loved to travel & introduced your whole family to Harry Potter.

Self-Centered or Anxiety?

I really try, very hard, not to do a lot of complaining about our life here & our current living situation, when I do I seem to start focusing too much on the negative & less on the good things.

We don't have air conditioning in our house - none, no forced air, no swamp cooler, nothing. I'm very proactive in maintaining the coolness in the front part of the house, if the air that's coming in starts to get too warm, I immediately close the front door & the windows, to make sure the thick walls & shade trees can do their job. 

I close doors in the house that lead to rooms that are warmer than the rest of the house & if I need to use the oven, I do it while it's cool. 

I use fans to move hot air out of the house & circulate air around a room. I wear cool, loose, comfortable clothing. 

I take warm showers, because taking a cold shower means the air in the house is that much warmer than my skin & I am immediately sweating again.

Sometimes the house is too hot, and I get grumpy, but usually, I manage to keep it in a bearable range. I don't feel put upon or deprived when it's like that, it's how summer works - it gets hot. 

I don't bitch on Facebook that it's 80+ degrees in the house & hotter than the rest of the house & how I'm in a "hell box" that's closed off from the rest of the house. I don't whine to the world that I don't have AC & how that's all I want in a dream house. (For the record it's usually 80+ in here, too)

You know what I want? I want Erin back. I want my daughter here. Yes, I want our other son & his family to be happy & comfortable, but damn, how does bitching about it accomplish that?  It's not like we keep them trapped in the back of the house, they choose to be in there. They started hanging out there exclusively when we bought new furniture & asked that we not have every toy our granddaughter owned in here. 

Anyway. I needed to vent. I vented.

The Struggle

There are days when I cry about seemingly stupid things; like Morgan saying that they lost the best crafting partner when we moved - I cried like crazy over that, not because of her words, but because of my thoughts, which were, "And I lost everything." I don't share a lot of my thoughts & feelings about you on Facebook, too many people are unable to understand & those who can are also in pain.

I did mention yesterday that it's almost impossible to choose the most important or most precious pictures of you to hang, because they are the last, people had good suggestions & it helped that they understood what I was going through.

I also removed some people from my friends list, either I felt like I was being bullied by their desire for a final piece of you or by their extreme religious convictions or I just didn't  actually know who the hell they were or why they were there to begin with. I felt that I needed to take a stand & take care of myself, especially in one case, because things got very strange & it made me uncomfortable. So, here's hoping that's over.

A New Normal

I'm working towards the goal of figuring out my new normal, knowing full well that the one I had grown accustomed to is gone forever. I have a new planner, I decorate it, plan in it & have been sticking with it, so far. It helps me to have a plan written down & tools to use to help me actually get things done. That includes note pads I can carry around with me that have whatever tasks need doing written on them, that way I can keep it with me & not forget what needs to be done next.

I enjoy getting everything done & seeing the house clean and seeing stuff on my stupid little lists getting checked off. I guess it's because I can control it and there seems like precious little that I really can. You dying taught me that, along with treasuring every minute I get with the people I love, because it all ends before you're ready. (I doubt I would've ever been ready)

Staying Busy

I've spent the past couple of days staying busy, trying not to focus on tomorrow being the 8th & one month. The house is clean, groceries are bought & mostly put away, food for the next two weeks is planned, library books checked in & new ones are checked out.

I bought fabric for a purse & wallet to make, we wandered through the mall, chose movies to see at the drive-in tonight & bought snacks for that. I even had a short nap. It's raining & the wind is blowing, so the bedroom is nice & cool right now.

I feel my grief, I accept that it's there & have been able to move forward, I know every day won't be like that, but I'm going to take advantage of those that are.