I Wish People Would Grow Up

You know, the memorial tattoos were supposed to be a way to help people heal. They weren't supposed to be a competition to see who could get the biggest tattoo for the least amount of money. I don't see why in the world anyone needs a full side piece done. Mine is about 8" X 6" & took 4 hours including a 30 minute or so dinner break & a few short ones to let me stretch. It was probably even less than that by the time we got going on it.

Everyone else since then? Less time than mine, smaller pieces than mine. Now someone comes in & asks for a full side, full color design & gets told that he'll be charged $100 an hour for it & so, instead of being reasonable & asking if it's because it's so much work & so big & deciding on a smaller, less extensive piece, he throws a fit & starts thrashing the guy's reputation & demeaning his art. He isn't understanding that the guy doing the tattoos didn't have to agree to the terms he did, we didn't ask for him to give us a break of any type, he offered out of the goodness of his heart. He's saying "if you want me to do this particular tattoo at this size, I'm going to have to charge you this amount of money" likely hoping he'll decide on something else. 

At any rate, why message me whining about it? I'm not a 35 year old's mommy or protector. Talk to him. Find out why he's charging you. Don't take it to FB and thrash his reputation because you didn't get your way. Be a fucking adult. Stop letting your inner addict speak for you.

Frustration

I'm having a hard time finding your sister these days. She had told me she was in Draper, so I got her a letter all ready to go & the Delbert told Morgan that she was at Wasatch, so I sent it there. Yesterday I got the first of my letters (since she stopped calling) sent to Wasatch back in the mail. It was postmarked July 3, and I was told on the 5th that she was at Wasatch.. I don't freaking know anymore. I guess I'll send one to Draper today, just to see if she's there, since the UDOC website says she is. I seriously wish people who aren't directly connected to my situation would stay out of it.

Maybe No Tattoo Now

Well. I was told other people had made arrangements to make sure our memorial tattoos were paid for. Today I was told that wasn't going to be happening. We have so much debt right now. Part of it from making too many trips to Utah, part of it because of choices we made, I'm just not sure how all of this is going to come together now.

I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm worried. I just want, for one day, to feel normal - to feel how I used to, when everything that happened wasn't a freaking crisis in my mind.

Self-Centered or Anxiety?

I really try, very hard, not to do a lot of complaining about our life here & our current living situation, when I do I seem to start focusing too much on the negative & less on the good things.

We don't have air conditioning in our house - none, no forced air, no swamp cooler, nothing. I'm very proactive in maintaining the coolness in the front part of the house, if the air that's coming in starts to get too warm, I immediately close the front door & the windows, to make sure the thick walls & shade trees can do their job. 

I close doors in the house that lead to rooms that are warmer than the rest of the house & if I need to use the oven, I do it while it's cool. 

I use fans to move hot air out of the house & circulate air around a room. I wear cool, loose, comfortable clothing. 

I take warm showers, because taking a cold shower means the air in the house is that much warmer than my skin & I am immediately sweating again.

Sometimes the house is too hot, and I get grumpy, but usually, I manage to keep it in a bearable range. I don't feel put upon or deprived when it's like that, it's how summer works - it gets hot. 

I don't bitch on Facebook that it's 80+ degrees in the house & hotter than the rest of the house & how I'm in a "hell box" that's closed off from the rest of the house. I don't whine to the world that I don't have AC & how that's all I want in a dream house. (For the record it's usually 80+ in here, too)

You know what I want? I want Erin back. I want my daughter here. Yes, I want our other son & his family to be happy & comfortable, but damn, how does bitching about it accomplish that?  It's not like we keep them trapped in the back of the house, they choose to be in there. They started hanging out there exclusively when we bought new furniture & asked that we not have every toy our granddaughter owned in here. 

Anyway. I needed to vent. I vented.

Grrrrr

Ok. It's been over a week since Kassy got her half of Erin's ashes. They were supposed to mail them out shortly after that to us, but still nothing & no word from them, either.

Why should we have to keep inquiring about this to a company that we paid over $1500 to to have a service done? They lied to us the first time we called to asked about them, saying that the ME had "just finished the autopsy" and they were going up that weekend to pick them up. This got Troy & I so upset that he ended up calling the Utah ME to ask what was going on & was told that they had finished within the proscribed time & had sent him along for cremation quite a bit before that. 

I'm frustrated & upset. If they are lost then we have nothing.

Never Normal Again

Today, or I should say, the last 30 minutes have been a prime example of how our lives will never be normal again.

I just wanted to buy baseball tickets, to give us a little taste of happiness again before the summer is gone & we have far too many dark hours & too many holidays to sit here & miss you. 

My phone refuses to cooperate while I'm trying to buy tickets, so I switch to my computer. I can't remember my TicketMaster password so it locks me out & I have to change  passwords to get in. I take care of that & by that time, my cart is empty so I start over again. I enter everything, get almost the same seats we had last time & go to pay & the window keeps hanging there. The "processing your request" overlay goes away, but the screen doesn't change. I try to get the bank page to load so I can see if it went through, but it won't load, so I try on my phone, it won't load there either. I shut my computer down so I can try rebooting.

The bank loads just fine of Troy's phone, everything is how we left it, so no new charges. I reboot my computer & can't even get facebook to load, which I need to access the event for the group tickets I'm trying to buy. So, here I lie, upstairs, on the bed where it's way too hot at this time of day, bawling my eyes out because this frustration is too much for me. No Rockies hat with Mickey Mouse on it is worth this.

I want my life back. I want my heart back. I want my son back.