Mini Breakdown

Your ashes finally arrived. You're finally home with us, where you belong. It breaks me in ways I never knew were possible to see that the little boy I held, loved & raised has been reduced to a couple of boxes of ashes. Everything I knew & loved about you - burned up. Gone. I started crying the moment I picked the box up & continued as I held it closely to me. 

I resent that you had already been sent to Salt Lake City when we got to Cedar, that we didn't get to see one that one last time, maybe I wouldn't be so crushed now or maybe it wouldn't be so hard. I looked at it then as a blessing, not to have my final memories of you marred by seeing your empty body, but it might have helped in the mourning, in the acceptance.

I am relieved to finally have what's left of you. I was terrified the ashes would get lost in the mail & we'd be left with nothing at all. At any rate, I may be crying & hurting, but you're here.

Summer

We got a new lawnmower, grass seed & a sprinkler system, to put in that lawn you were supposed to help us do. I found the fountain I want to out in your memorial garden - it's a lion, and the first time I saw it, I knew that was where it needed to go, in the garden I'm planting  for my Leo. I can't afford it right now, so I'm hoping it'll be there when I can.

We went to the farmers market & bought a few onions & tomatoes, came home, ate dinner. I was craving ice cream & that made me sad because it reminded me of you. I rarely buy any now, I can't help but think of you & whether you'd like a flavor if I do, and ice cream should never make people sad. 

The rest of your ashes are supposedly on their way to us, after almost 2 months. We'll see, I'll believe it when they show up here, personally.

I know I sound apathetic, and maybe I am today, or maybe I'm just tired. I don't even know anymore.

Grrrrr

Ok. It's been over a week since Kassy got her half of Erin's ashes. They were supposed to mail them out shortly after that to us, but still nothing & no word from them, either.

Why should we have to keep inquiring about this to a company that we paid over $1500 to to have a service done? They lied to us the first time we called to asked about them, saying that the ME had "just finished the autopsy" and they were going up that weekend to pick them up. This got Troy & I so upset that he ended up calling the Utah ME to ask what was going on & was told that they had finished within the proscribed time & had sent him along for cremation quite a bit before that. 

I'm frustrated & upset. If they are lost then we have nothing.