Monday, June 29, 2015

Mini Breakdown

Your ashes finally arrived. You're finally home with us, where you belong. It breaks me in ways I never knew were possible to see that the little boy I held, loved & raised has been reduced to a couple of boxes of ashes. Everything I knew & loved about you - burned up. Gone. I started crying the moment I picked the box up & continued as I held it closely to me. 

I resent that you had already been sent to Salt Lake City when we got to Cedar, that we didn't get to see one that one last time, maybe I wouldn't be so crushed now or maybe it wouldn't be so hard. I looked at it then as a blessing, not to have my final memories of you marred by seeing your empty body, but it might have helped in the mourning, in the acceptance.

I am relieved to finally have what's left of you. I was terrified the ashes would get lost in the mail & we'd be left with nothing at all. At any rate, I may be crying & hurting, but you're here.

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