Ashes

Well. Kassy has her half of your ashes and ours will be sent to us soon. I guess you wouldn't be surprised to know that I'm putting some in ink & getting that Phoenix tattoo we kept talking about. I'm sure I mentioned I'd be getting it without you somewhere in here. There are a lot of people who are doing the same thing. It's the only way we really have of keeping you near us now.

There are so many people who are carrying so much pain & guilt over your passing. I try really hard to not have regrets in my life, but I'm so filled with them now, if I had it to do over, I would do anything in my control to change the course of your fate. I was never a fearful person, now I live in fear that I'll lose another of my kids or your dad. I just can't. 

There is so little joy in things we used to do as a family, or just you & I, that I have to find new things that don't hurt. I hope that someday I'll be able to go back to an Amtgard park  day, or to a Starbucks or sit outside with my morning coffee, but sewing is hard enough & I think of you every time I do.  I literally have to talk myself into going in the craft room & getting started. 

You were supposed to be here, Erin. You wanted to move here, to start over, to leave the bad stuff in Utah behind. It hurt me so much when you decided you weren't coming, but at least I still had hope that you would come. That we could move past the things that happened over the last 10 months of your life, that Dad & I could understand why you said the horrible things you said about us. That we could understand why you suddenly started hating us, why you wanted me dead that night when I called the police. 

I love you so much. 

I miss you so much. 

I will never understand what went wrong.