Disbelief

Today is another one of those days where it just doesn't seem real. My mind sometimes refuses to accept that you're gone. Forever. Never coming back. It tries to trick me into thinking that someday you'll be back, probably for the holidays or after the summer or whatever.

My heart knows. The pain reminds me every day, but my mind is trying to protect me from the pain, from the finality. I'm still trying to wrap my head around so much. Trying to figure out how to answer that question everyone always seems to get around to asking, about if I have kids & how many. How do I ever answer that without crying? Will I ever be able to? Most days I can't even talk or think about you without crying and that's just in a casual manner.

I just want to get past all of these "firsts" so I can stop dreading everything.