Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Everywhere I Look

I see you everywhere. Someone will post Amtgard pictures from Dragon Spyre & see you there, fighting & happy. I see traveling kids & you're right there with them. You're in passing cars, walking down the street, and at bus stops. You're in every song we ever shared, every movie we watched together & in every place we ever went together. All of this is true for me, but yet, I can't remember your voice anymore. It's not fair. None of this is fair, or just or anything remotely understandable.

I don't know why you're gone. I don't know how to answer the question "How many kids do you have?" anymore. You're still my kid, you're just not here anymore, but is that everyone's business? If I say I have 3, does that open me up to questions about ages and all of that? If I say I have 2 living & one dead, do I have to expect questions from strangers about your death? If I say two, is that pretending you never existed?

Will any of this ever make sense to my heart? Will I ever accept that we aren't being pranked & you aren't hiding somewhere, waiting to pop out & surprise us? Will I ever be able to understand the finality of this horrible thing? If I do, will I even be able to survive this? We went through so much, Erin. So many good & bad times, so much work to get where we were in our relationship, and I still lost you. Knowing that, knowing that I had no control of that, that I could do nothing to save you, that just destroys me. My soul aches every day.

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