Friday, July 17, 2015


I feel better today. I'm not so angry. I still feel a little hurt that a big deal wasn't made over the amazing ban you were. I guess a lot of that was my own fault, in wanting to do things the way you'd have wanted them done & insisting it be done where you lived & grew up & as quickly as we could.  I didn't make a big deal out of any of your accomplishments, because it felt like bragging I guess, so by the time you were grown, no one here knew much about you. I feel like a I may have done you a disservice, but I didn't know any better - it was how I was raised.

Anyway. I'm getting things ready for our trip back, to see your sister. To finish saying goodbye. To scatter some ashes. To get the remaining detritus of our lives there & try to start over again. I miss you. So, so much. I miss the things we used to do together - just you & I, things I may never be able to do again without bawling my eyes out. 

We aren't going to Gage's funeral. I can't even talk about it out loud without crying because it brings back all of my pain over losing you. We wouldn't do them any good by being so torn apart by our own pain. 

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