I never planned to leave you behind.
The plan was always that you'd come with us, and I still believed that until the day you got into the car in November & went back to Utah with Dad.
When we bought this house, we were so excited because there was room for all of us, even if we had to be somewhat creative about it. Then suddenly you were moving out because you weren't coming with us & you started to shut down & push us out of your life. You started to lie to me & act cold & hurt & angry.
You & your sister were both adrift without us, you were both terrified the other would leave & when she went back to prison I never knew you'd feel so lost & alone in the world. I was here, Erin. All you had to do was reach out. I'd have done anything I could have to help you then, but I couldn't because you never told me that you were struggling.
Did you know at the end of January, when you took that last walk with her, that it would truly be your last walk together? That the two of you would never have another conversation together?
Did you know on May 6, that you'd never make it to Salt War? That I'd never see you again? Never talk to you again? I was so excited to see you.
I miss you, Erin. There's a hole in my soul that's shaped like you (suddenly I was reminded of your sister singing 'The shape of a boy...' at you), that will never be full again & I don't know what to do to ease the hurt, to make this horrible, overwhelming sense of loss go away. Some days I think I'm okay, but then, in the middle of the night, thoughts like these strike me & the tears start & I know the next day will be another one full of tears.
It's been awhile since I had a day like this. I feel out of sorts, overwhelmed & empty today.