Saturday, August 22, 2015

Hanging On

Some days I wonder if I'm waiting for all of this to feel real or if I'm hoping it never does.

It seems I've lost so much in the time since you died, but if I think long & hard, I've gained some things, too.

I lost you, and along with that a huge chunk of my identity, who I thought I was all of these years. Who I was on May 7, 2015, died the next day, and I struggle with figuring out who I am now. I lost the ability to think about your childhood & because of that I can't think about anything during those years, it all hurts too much. I lost some friends, but I have to wonder if they were really my friends after all. I lost my belief that I'm lucky - I used to believe that I was the luckiest woman in the world - I had a great husband who loved me, 3 great kids, amazing bonus kids, beautiful grandchildren, awesome friends & so much more. I wasn't lucky, fate was just waiting to start taking it all away until I wasn't paying attention.. Until I had started to take it all for granted. Now I'm just scared.

I gained a new understanding of loss. I gained the ability to set boundaries for myself & uphold them. I am grateful. I don't take the people in my life for granted anymore. I cherish those people in my life that I know will stick by me no matter what, those who accept me for who I am, who forgive when we have arguments & who understand that sometimes I'm irrational & over the top, but that I'm not always that way. I learned that I was right when I said I would never survive one of my children dying - because I'm not that person anymore, she didn't survive, but the woman I am today, the one who was born from your ashes, is stronger than I ever thought I could be. 

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