Friday, May 8, 2015

It's Been Many Months & a Lifetime

I haven't post in here for a long, long time.. or anywhere really... I'm making an attempt to catch up on, at least, what's gone on in the past 3 1/2 weeks, revamp this (and maybe my others) blog & to try to make an effort to post every day. I need to, for my own mental health right now.

Background: In late September 2014, my husband & I bought a house Pueblo, Colorado. We loaded up almost all of our belongings & moved me to the new house on October 30, he wasn't able to come until he could find a new job here & be able to retire from his former job, which put him moving here on December 19. We left our daughter & son-in-law behind, as she wasn't able to leave (she was on parole at the time) and our son, Erin & his girlfriend behind in Utah (he didn't want to leave his girlfriend & she didn't want to be this far from her family). Erin had spent 5 years or so, from 2007 or 2008 to late 2011 homeless & addicted to anything he could get his hands on. He & his then girlfriend left that life & the next January, he came home to us in Utah, clean, sober & happy. Our daughter (no name as I don't have her permission yet) did time in prison in 2013 for drug distribution (marijuana, and it's a stupid story), and went back in March to be able to finish her time & be off of parole & be able to come here.

I think that's the relevant background information for now.

May 4, 2015: A friend texted my husband to see if Erin was okay, since no one had seen him for awhile & they were worried. Troy asked me if I'd heard from him, I hadn't, so I texted him, "So, you alive? Strung out? What? When we have people who live there trying to find out if we've heard from you, something is wrong."

I didn't hear anything from him until the next day.

May 5, 2015: Erin: "I'm fine" 
Me: "Ok. Thank you. I'll let people who are asking know."
Erin: "Who's asking?"
Me: "Several people from Amtgard. I guess they worry when you stop going, I dunno"
Erin: "Well that's news tome." 
Me: "I imagine if you aren't around they can't let you know they miss you"
Erin: "You managed somehow :)"
Me: " I know you have a phone if you have wifi.. I don't imagine most people think of that when they know they can't call you. Lol not everyone is that tech savvy"
Erin: "But I do have Facebook. I just don't feel like I'm wanted there i guess, and ive been working for rick and cathy"
Me: "Whether you're wanted there or not, it's good for you, but I get it. It just makes me sad. I'm glad you're working!"
Erin: "It is good for me, I recognize that. But without you and dad the magics gone"
Me: "Really? Half the time it felt like you didn't want us there. I guess it's in the perception. I rarely go here. I don't fit in. I'm too old for this park.

Almost an hour passed with no reply. 

Me: "Anyway, dad, tiny & I will be at salt wars
Erin: "Ok. I'm trying to find a ride"
Me: "Jenn is going, see if she can help"

My phone rings, it's Erin's number, but he isn't answering. I hear him talking to his roommates about their baby, Natasha. He sounds happy & normal.

Me: "Did you butt dial me?"
Erin: "Must have, sorry I'm asking jenn now"
Me: "No problem lol"
Erin: "It would be nice to know who asked about me? I don't know who my friends are"
Me: "Believe it or not, the first one was Mark. I'm not sure who else.. I think Leo, and someone else messaged dad too, but I don't remember who it was"
Erin: "Ok. Thank you"
Me: "Yep"

May 7, 2015: I sent a letter to our daughter, it was her 25th birthday. I missed her & knew birthdays were hard for her away from home. I regretted not remembering to send it earlier.

May 8, 2015: We got up early, grabbed breakfast & went to Sam's Club, got what we needed there, including roses for my mother-in-law & our daughter-in-law for Mother's Day & for me, too. We went & delivered my MIL's flowers to her & then went grocery shopping. We had other things we needed to do after that, like finishing up our shopping for the above-mentioned Salt Wars & I needed a vase for my roses, so we went to Walmart after we put the groceries away. Troy popped some onion rings in the oven while I was putting things away, and my phone rang at 1:49 in the other room. I had Troy answer it for me, so I didn't have to stop. He walked in, looking concerned & said, "It's Dawn, she wants to talk to you, she said it's important." and handed me the phone.

Me: "Hey, what's up?"
Dawn: "... Kassy (that's Erin's girlfriend) went in to wake Erin up a little while ago and she couldn't wake him up... Erin's dead.."

I don't know if she said anything else. I cried out, "Nooooooooo..." started wailing, handed the phone to Troy & hit the floor.

He lifted me up and tried to hold me, but I couldn't stand & kept trying to get away so I could sit down, I think I yelled at him to let me sit down, because when I got the phone back, I was in the chair in the living room.

She told me how everything went down, how his roommate tried to revive him, he couldn't, so they called EMS & another friend of Erin's, who came over & then they called our God-daughter's husband & he went over, and finally, he called Dawn.

I got off the phone, knowing I had a bunch of people to get a hold of & things that needed to be done so we could leave here & go back there. There was a voice mail on my phone when I hung up, it was our son-in-law, trying to notify me. I told him I already knew & he let me talk to Kassy. I gave her the specifics of which funeral home & all of that stuff & hung up.

We got a hold of everyone we could think of in the family before posting anything on Facebook, because everyone knew not to say anything there until I did. We forgot one of his best friends & he ended up finding out on Facebook, but I think we did okay otherwise.

This was what I posted on his Amtgard kingdom page (we're in different kingdoms now): "To those of you who know him, my son Sean Darkskul was just found deceased in his bed. I'll be on my way back to Utah to attend to everything I can attend to, I'm not sure how we'll afford it all, but we'll figure it out."

And to my own Facebook page: "It is with a broken heart & wounded soul that I come here right now. Our youngest son, Erin McSpadden, was found deceased in his bed this morning. We have no idea what happened, we don't know when we will know. I texted with him a few days ago, he seemed to be in good spirits, we had a good conversation, I wish it had been a phone call so at least I'd have that to hold onto. There will be a memorial as soon as we can get out there to take of it, so we'll keep you updated."

We spent a good amount of time that day trying to get answers from the PD, they didn't seem to understand that we had to have answers in order to move forward. We were hundreds of miles away & didn't even know where our son's body was, when the autopsy would be or even what to do next. Thankfully, once we got the information we needed, we were able to hand everything over to my MIL's husband, who owns a funeral home & is the county coroner here. We made plans to leave the next day, after we signed the paperwork for the death certificate.

That night, I tried to sleep.. I cried instead. I was so overwhelmed, so soul-sick & broken. I needed my best friends, I needed us all to be together.. we all raised our kids together, we were all hurting, we were a wounded & broken family.

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