Sunday, May 17, 2015

A Crying Day

I guess today is a bit of a "crying day" for me. Garrett & Dad are both struggling with guilt today - Garrett thinking he should have been able to say or do something to change the path you were on & Dad thinking he should have let you play all of those sports you kept asking to play when you were younger. I think Salt War will be hard for me, you were there with us last year, playing, fighting, having fun while you were struggling with your alcoholism.

I don't regret moving away, I regret not being able to convince you to come with us, to start over in a new place. I still think it would have changed your life in so many ways. I see so many things, every day that I want to tell you about, but it's too late, you'll never get to see any of them now. 

Bella. I have her. You probably would have known I'd do what I had to to make sure she was back with her family. She misses you. The sadness rolls off of her in waves at times, she seems so out of sorts, wondering when you're coming back. At least here she isn't wandering the house whining & searching for you.

I can't risk remembering your childhood. Not yet. Sometimes, I can talk about you without choking up, I'm sure that will get easier with time.

I'm trying to get furlough for Rhi so she can come to your memorial at Salt War, she needs the closure, she needs to see that we're okay. I need to see her & hug her & cry with her. She needs to tell you goodbye.

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