Sunday, May 31, 2015


I had company yesterday (more than Jaden, who's here every Saturday). A young woman from the Cañon City park came by to spend time with me. She was kind & didn't make me talk about things that would make me cry.

Amtgard may never again be a weekly thing I'm able to do, no matter how much I miss our friends & that connection with fellow nerds. It still hurts too much. It's still too much you to take in at once. I still look for you on every ditch line, in every picture anyone posts of any event.

There are times when I'm okay. When the tears aren't right under the surface. Yesterday was a day like that, it's too early to know if today will be. We did notice at lunch yesterday that it felt like we stopped doing anything, that it felt like we were waiting for something, what we have no idea. The other shoe to drop? You to not be dead? To find out how you died? At any rate, we know there isn't anything to wait for & we're attempting to get back to our normal life - as normal as it can be now.

Kurt almost died at Salt Wars, Dad was the med-o-crat & couldn't do much but watch him turn blue & get ready to trach him. I stayed in the tent & cried, I couldn't do it, couldn't be there when another of our boys died. Thankfully he got help soon enough & a day in ICU saved him and he's on the road to getting the assistance he needs. But. Yeah.

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