Company

 

I had company yesterday (more than Jaden, who's here every Saturday). A young woman from the Cañon City park came by to spend time with me. She was kind & didn't make me talk about things that would make me cry.

Amtgard may never again be a weekly thing I'm able to do, no matter how much I miss our friends & that connection with fellow nerds. It still hurts too much. It's still too much you to take in at once. I still look for you on every ditch line, in every picture anyone posts of any event.

There are times when I'm okay. When the tears aren't right under the surface. Yesterday was a day like that, it's too early to know if today will be. We did notice at lunch yesterday that it felt like we stopped doing anything, that it felt like we were waiting for something, what we have no idea. The other shoe to drop? You to not be dead? To find out how you died? At any rate, we know there isn't anything to wait for & we're attempting to get back to our normal life - as normal as it can be now.

Kurt almost died at Salt Wars, Dad was the med-o-crat & couldn't do much but watch him turn blue & get ready to trach him. I stayed in the tent & cried, I couldn't do it, couldn't be there when another of our boys died. Thankfully he got help soon enough & a day in ICU saved him and he's on the road to getting the assistance he needs. But. Yeah.

3 Weeks

 

3 weeks. Maybe in 3 years or 3 decades I'll finally stop feeling like you're going to text me, call me or walk through the door. Maybe I'll stop thinking I can do something to change it, to make you come back. Maybe I won't have that haunted look in my eyes. Maybe I'll have stopped wondering what you would've been like in your 30s, 40s and 50s, or if you'd have ever had kids or gotten married.

Maybe someday I won't hate Fridays anymore.

A New Life, Just Begun

 

Mark & Sarah's little boy was born 2 days ago, they named him Ullric Hammond. He's very cute.

I had a little bit of a meltdown yesterday evening, and cried until I couldn't anymore, some days I get through okay & others I cry my way through. On almost all of them though I feel like I'm just going through the motions, trying to get through it to another day further from the pain. Tomorrow is 3 weeks, and a lifetime.

This week I vary between no hunger, starving & nausea if I eat anything. I have no way of telling if it's an illness of grief, it just is. It's how life is right now.

I often wonder if you had any idea at all of the number of lives you touched & how many people loved you & are missing you, now. I wonder if knowing would have made a difference in how you lived your last year. I know it's pointless for me to think about it, but at the same time, it's made me realize how much I matter to people around me & it is changing how I live my own life.

So many stupid, petty things just don't even matter anymore. 

What You'll Never See

 

Another day. 24 more hours. I keep breathing & living through the pain. I remember how you & I used to wonder what changes we'd see in our lifetimes, always assuming you'd see things that I wouldn't, with that being the natural course of events in life. It wounds me to know that I will now see new things that you won't. That things will change that we should have seen & discussed together & now you will be the silent half of that conversation. I'll never get to know what you think about anything again.

I used to feel like I didn't have enough years left in my life to make a difference, to do all of the things I wanted to do.. Now those years seem vast, knowing you won't be in them. I know I'll survive, I know in time the pain won't be as fresh, as sharp, as overwhelming, I hope, too, that the thought of my remaining years, spent without one of my kids won't be so panic-causing with enough time & healing.

For now, dad & I accept that we will never be the people we were before 1:47pm on May 8, 2015, but we are still here & we have to keep living & moving forward, so we actively seek out the normal moments where we find them.

A Sister's Pain

 

I talked to Rhi yesterday. Her first sentence was almost overwhelming, "I've been dreading this call, because I knew I'd cry." It's not that she's embarrassed to cry in jail or feels like it makes her a target, it's because (& I've felt this a lot, too) she doesn't want people to say, "let me know if I can do anything," because we all only want one thing & no one can bring you back. The only other thing Dad & I could ask for (& probably Rhi, too) is to not hurt like this anymore, and they can't do that, either.

The GoFundMe that Dea started for us raised enough to pay for your cremation, so we paid that back to Grandma Jeanie this morning, now we just keep waiting.. For your ashes, for your death certificate, to know how you died, if we never know why.

I miss you, kid. I've missed you so much since you graduated, you'd think I'd be used to it. This time is different. This time I know you won't be coming through the door ever again. I don't think any amount of time is ever going to make that hurt less.

Salt Wars

 

I haven't posted in a few days, we were traveling to & from Salt War & your memorial for them. It was cold and rainy, but the site was beautiful, you'd have loved it so much. It reminded me of the place we used to go Uprising at. Your knight isn't handling your passing well & I wish I could reach out & help her, but I'm not sure how or what to say or do, sometimes I feel like I'm being judged for whatever I seem to be feeling or not feeling. I don't know, but I'm sure the only pain I can manage right now is my own.

It rained pretty much all day, every day, until Sunday. Kurt nearly died on Friday night/Saturday morning. He had a near-fatal asthma attack & had to be intubated & rushed to the ER, where he was admitted to the ICU. After they handled his breathing, they found out he was nearly kidney failure from dehydration, as well. He was discharged on Sunday, after we had headed home.

The memorial was beautiful, so many people spoke of you with fondness & love, so many tears. You are (and always will be) missed to the core of all of us. Agard & Bruff closed it out by singing & playing "Wagon Wheel," on guitar & mando, while everyone there sang along - you'd have loved it.

Bella. She thought she heard you fighting the ditch line on Saturday, she got so excited - barking her crazy yipping bark, wagging her whole body, only to see it wasn't you. She sleeps with us, coming back upstairs to guard me after her breakfast if I'm still in bed, just like she always did with you.

I guess I've had my morning cry, now time for the business of everyday - food. Shower. Bills. Groceries.

The Grief of a Father

 

Dad had to come home from work today. He fell apart & started crying. I know how that is, I've had a lot of those days this week, when the wave of remembering & missing you crashes into me so hard I can't breathe or do anything but cry. People asking if they can do anything is the worst, there are only two things either of us want; to have you not dead or to not feel this way anymore. You're never coming back & the only thing that will lessen the pain is time, no one can give us those things.

We did get a lot done. The car is packed, we'll sleep a bit & head out early. At least we can fall apart there & no one will judge us in any way.

Sewing

I skipped writing last night - I was busy, like usual, trying to finish my sewing before SW. Someday I'll finish the week before. I was so conflicted about seeing you there this year, knowing you were still drinking, if I had only known how little that matters in the big picture, there would have been a lot less arguing about it. 

I've been trying to encourage people to tell me their "Erin Stories" instead of just not talking about you - not hearing your name hurts more than anything, like people are trying to erase the fact that you ever lived, although I know they're only trying to spare my feelings. 

Well, I have a lot to do today to finish getting ready to go, so I ought to get on that.

Helpless

I got my first letter from Rhi since she found out. She's trying to hard to be strong, which I don't want her to do that. I want her to feel her grief, to cry when she feels it. She has to have the freedom to work through her feelings, to try to come to a place of peace with all of this - or as much as any of us can find in this place of pain.

It hurts me so much to know she's in pain & all alone, that I can't do anything to comfort her at all. I'm terrified I'll lose her, too. I know I can't do this with one of my babies again & survive. I always thought I couldn't survive losing one, and believe me, there are times when the thought of not having to feel this hurt for the rest of my life is soooo tempting, but I couldn't do that to anyone. 

I hate what this has done to everyone I care about.

A Crying Day

I guess today is a bit of a "crying day" for me. Garrett & Dad are both struggling with guilt today - Garrett thinking he should have been able to say or do something to change the path you were on & Dad thinking he should have let you play all of those sports you kept asking to play when you were younger. I think Salt War will be hard for me, you were there with us last year, playing, fighting, having fun while you were struggling with your alcoholism.

I don't regret moving away, I regret not being able to convince you to come with us, to start over in a new place. I still think it would have changed your life in so many ways. I see so many things, every day that I want to tell you about, but it's too late, you'll never get to see any of them now. 

Bella. I have her. You probably would have known I'd do what I had to to make sure she was back with her family. She misses you. The sadness rolls off of her in waves at times, she seems so out of sorts, wondering when you're coming back. At least here she isn't wandering the house whining & searching for you.

I can't risk remembering your childhood. Not yet. Sometimes, I can talk about you without choking up, I'm sure that will get easier with time.

I'm trying to get furlough for Rhi so she can come to your memorial at Salt War, she needs the closure, she needs to see that we're okay. I need to see her & hug her & cry with her. She needs to tell you goodbye.

Thoughts

I wonder if Friday will ever mean anything to me again, other than one more week since you left? Dad & I spent more time yesterday worrying about how each of us would get through that day than we probably should have. We both did ok & there wasn't a lot of crying, but it was on our minds, as I'm sure it always will be.

There have been a few tears today, but I'm alone & it's harder then, I was trying to plan when we'll go back to Utah for your memorial with Rhi & saw your birthday on my calendar as "Erin's 27th Birthday," but you'll never be 27 now. I'll never see you any older. Never see the dad you would've been. Never see.. You.

One Week Down - A Lifetime to Go

 

It's been a week, a week of knowing I only have two kids left. A week of wondering if there was anything I could have said in that last text conversation we had or if there was something you said that I should have picked up on. A week that changed everything I am or will ever be again. You have made your presence known to a lot of people in that week, from the minute you moved on, probably to now. We all appreciate & treasure each passing encounter with you - we all take time to share them with each other.

Things aren't "easier," I doubt it well ever be "easy" in any way, but it isn't all-encompassing, at least not today. I ate breakfast without being reminded, I was actually hungry at lunchtime, which hasn't happened since that day.

Your sister is okay. If she isn't, she's putting on a good front. She was, of course, worried about how dad & I are handling you being gone, but all of you kids always worried more about us and each other than you did yourselves.

Dani misses her "best friend" and wonders why the doctor can't make you better & send you back.

We all miss you. 

Keri got this football helmet helmet from a machine on their trip to Tulsa - the weird thing (other than it being your team) is that it was in a Marvel String Doll machine, not a mini helmet machine.

Almost a Week

 

Tomorrow marks a week since you moved on, from this existence to the next. It's easier, I guess, in that I'm not dying on the inside 24 hours a day. There are actually times that I can think of other things, and then it suddenly hits me. In those moments, the pain is as fresh as it was when I got the phone call, telling me you were dead.

The knowing things are done. There aren't any do-overs or chances to finally get it right & heal our relationship. No more coffee outside with you. No more of your beautiful music & profound thoughts. I didn't even get a goodbye. I had so much more to say to you.

Angry & Hurting

Troy went back to work today. I spent the day alone, yelling at Erin. I'm so angry that he left me. So angry that I'm hurting. So angry that I didn't even get to tell him goodbye or see him one last time. Sometimes it hurts so much I can't even breathe.

If I had known the the trip to move me out here was the last one he & I would ever take together, I'd have savored it more. I'd have taken pictures of us together, pictures of him, talked more, laughed more, shared more. I'd have driven more slowly & made it last. There would have been more hugging & more tears at "goodbye" when they left to go back to Utah.

I miss him. I spent years missing him, and years worrying about him, but I always knew I'd see him again, until now. I never knew it could hurt this way.

It poured down rain this afternoon, the sun was shining & the rain was coming down in huge torrents. I finally got the rest of my groceries that we bought the day Erin died, put away, did a few chores, starting sewing again for Salt Wars. Just trying to keep busy, to keep my mind off of the pain.

Back Home

We got in at about 2:30pm, hugged on Emmy awhile - she had asked for us daily while we were gone - and hugged on Garrett, then we talked with he & Keri awhile. I think, for me, I needed to be around the kids I still had left & deeply missed my daughter right then. I really needed to be able to talk to her & know she was going to be okay, but I had settled for writing her a quick letter the day we left Utah, hoping her husband would get a chance to tell her before it got there.

Garrett, Keri & Em left for Tulsa & the World Series of Comedy at around 5-6pm, we went & grabbed some dinner, ate & watched a little TV before going upstairs & passing out. We were both drained.

Homeward Bound

We left the memorial, met at Denny's for food & then we went & picked up our things, unloaded Erin's things from our car into Dawn's so she could store them for us until  August & then we grabbed the dogs & headed home. We agreed that if either of us was too tired, we'd get a hotel for a few hours and then start again. We just really needed to leave, being in Cedar, where everything & everywhere reminds us of Erin was too much for us.

We drove until we got to Salina, Utah & we were both really tired. The first hotel, the guy comes out, sees the dogs barking at him in the car, smirks at me & goes into the lobby, turning the "vacancy" sign around to "no vacancy" before he even spoke to Troy & then turned back towards the window to smirk at me again.   The next one? The guy got angry because we woke him up & then offered to rent us a room for twice the price because of the dogs. I wasn't going to pay $120+ for about 3-4 hours. We eventually drove far enough that we couldn't go any further, I was near tears, exhausted & afraid to fall asleep, knowing if I did, Troy would, too & we'd die out there in the desert, so we found a rest area & pulled over to sleep in the car. It was uncomfortable, but we got some rest & that was all that mattered to us at that point.

Remembering You - As If I'll Ever Forget

We got up today & did what we needed to.. got things ready for your memorial, planned the music we would play, bought what needed to be bought. I ended up kind of arguing with the person who thought she knew what I was feeling on Saturday night - about what I said I wanted versus what she believed I said I wanted. She thought that before I left here I said I wanted a candlelight vigil-type thing (Erin would've hated that!) and that I should bring his instruments & display them at the memorial (I was already doing that, along with other things that made him who he was) & I ended up feeling resentful even though she was just trying to help. There were just too many decisions I didn't want to make & I didn't want it to be too "formal" or whatever.

She decided it was going to have food & made a bunch of chicken to shred for sandwiches, so I got Jodee & Chris to bring barbecue sauce & we bought buns. I appreciated the thought, but I didn't care, I wasn't hungry. 

Went and signed the paperwork at the funeral home to have my baby boy cremated, which was surreal & I was in way too much shock to let it affect me. Troy had a much harder time than I did, I think it was that he felt so helpless, with me being the next of kin and all of that. We made payment arrangements (my MIL sent them a check) and then we grabbed lunch & met Kassy at their house to go through Erin's stuff, deciding what she would take & what we would. 

We went to Main Street Park at 5, to set up tables & chairs. He spent so much of his life, in so many phases at that park, it only seemed fitting. There are pictures, but I don't have them, yet, when I get them, I'll post some. There was more arguing about what the other person wanted, I ended up just telling her to do whatever what she wanted to, I was tired & sad & done. 

So many people from different times in Erin's life showed up. An ex girlfriend mingling with his current one, friends who had different hobbies, friends from high school, the road, skater friends, musician friends, Amtgard friends, family members. All joined together to remember someone that none of us will ever forget.

This was the playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdXfMNUJD1nRvL9stGiQE04otrvFghQk3

My eulogy (if I had been able to speak):

This isn't the mourning of Erin's passing, because he will never truly fade from this world, his flame burned far too brightly for that.

This is a celebration of a life that while it may have ended too soon for all of us, was lived to its fullest.

Most mothers don't have the privilege of being real, true friends with their child, I had the profound opportunity to have my son as one of my best friends.

We loved the same music - for the most part - I introduced him to The Ramones, The Misfits & Social D and he turned me onto AFI, The Distillers, Old Crow Medicine Show & so many other amazing performers.

Erin was a wordsmith, he could make you think - about who you are, what you believe & how you were living your life. He had strong opinions & sometimes he forgot that we all do, but he always tried to respect the fact that we don't have to agree to get along.

He was an amazing musician in his own right, although, because he wasn't technically perfect, he didn't believe he was talented. He loved what he played & sang & that showed in everything he did, no matter the instrument he chose.

Like all Leos he was a bright & shining flame, and while he never actively sought center stage, he always had it. He touched many more lives, in unforgettable ways than we will ever be able to know, I have never heard a bad word about Erin, but so many people gave said what an amazing man & a great friend he was more times than I can begin to count.

Erin may be gone from our lives, but like a worn-in leather jacket, he will never be forgotten.

Unhappy Mother's Day

Slept for a whole 3 or so hours, but had to get up to go to our son-in-law's house to wait for our daughter to call, since she had no idea what was going on. We waited a couple of hours, but she never called, I guess she got into trouble for giving herself a tattoo & lost her phone privileges for the week.

We met Dawn, Jodee & Chris at the Diner and had breakfast. It was very hard for us, that was Erin's favorite place to eat & we went there with him often. I had his favorite breakfast & had coffee for him, too. After that, we headed out to my parent's house, since we hadn't seen them yet.

We visited awhile, discussed what we thought may have happened, what we were going to do, how we were going to pay for it all (a friend started a GoFundMe for us) and when the memorial would be.. then my brother & his fiancee showed up, and it all had to be said again. The future sister-in-law thought I should care more about the cause of death than  did at the time, she didn't understand that it didn't matter - knowing wouldn't bring him back, but I eventually just shut my mouth & let her believe she had won.

We went back to Dawn's, had some dinner (I think?) and went to bed after she left for work.

Such. A. Long. Day.

We signed the papers so that Erin's death certificate would get sent to us and got them faxed in.

I texted with Kassy through the morning, she had told me yesterday that we could bring Bella (Erin's dog) home with us, so we decided it would be better to take my XTerra instead of Troy's Tracer. She's broken, missing Erin, shell-shocked like we are. She went home to Las Vegas to be with her mom & family after the funeral home picked Erin's body up.

We went home & loaded the dog into the car along with our bags, gassed up the car & left in the rain at around 2pm.  I think we stopped for food a couple of hours later, I know neither of us were hungry, but we knew we needed to eat. We encountered all four seasons in about 6 hours.. snow, rain, frozen fog, wind, sunshine.. it was a harrowing, exhausting drive, made worse for knowing the reason & feeling like we couldn't get there soon enough.

We finally made it to Mark & Sarah's near midnight. We talked, we cried, some of us drank. It was good to be back among the people who know us the best & missed him like we did. There was one person there who did think they knew exactly how I felt, that I was in "zombie-mode," but I wasn't really. I was still in shock, still numb & absolutely exhausted  in every possible way. I hadn't slept a full night for a couple of weeks, and I had done this trip on about 3 hours of sleep, so yeah.

Ceiling Fans & Tears.

Lying here in the dark, watching the ceiling fan spin around & around, wondering if I'll ever feel whole again, if there will ever be a part of my soul that doesn't ache, a place in my arms that doesn't need to hold him or a part of my ears that don't long for his voice. Will I ever be able to escape into sleep again?

Will food ever taste like anything but ashes & tears again?

Erin, you made such an impact on so many lives, touched so many souls and changed us all for the better in the long run.

Rhiannon came into the world the week of Mother's Day & Erin left that week, it will never be the same again. Never.

I will miss you forever, the whys don't matter, they won't bring you back.

It's Been Many Months & a Lifetime

I haven't post in here for a long, long time.. or anywhere really... I'm making an attempt to catch up on, at least, what's gone on in the past 3 1/2 weeks, revamp this (and maybe my others) blog & to try to make an effort to post every day. I need to, for my own mental health right now.

Background: In late September 2014, my husband & I bought a house Pueblo, Colorado. We loaded up almost all of our belongings & moved me to the new house on October 30, he wasn't able to come until he could find a new job here & be able to retire from his former job, which put him moving here on December 19. We left our daughter & son-in-law behind, as she wasn't able to leave (she was on parole at the time) and our son, Erin & his girlfriend behind in Utah (he didn't want to leave his girlfriend & she didn't want to be this far from her family). Erin had spent 5 years or so, from 2007 or 2008 to late 2011 homeless & addicted to anything he could get his hands on. He & his then girlfriend left that life & the next January, he came home to us in Utah, clean, sober & happy. Our daughter (no name as I don't have her permission yet) did time in prison in 2013 for drug distribution (marijuana, and it's a stupid story), and went back in March to be able to finish her time & be off of parole & be able to come here.

I think that's the relevant background information for now.

May 4, 2015: A friend texted my husband to see if Erin was okay, since no one had seen him for awhile & they were worried. Troy asked me if I'd heard from him, I hadn't, so I texted him, "So, you alive? Strung out? What? When we have people who live there trying to find out if we've heard from you, something is wrong."

I didn't hear anything from him until the next day.

May 5, 2015: Erin: "I'm fine" 

Me: "Ok. Thank you. I'll let people who are asking know."
Erin: "Who's asking?"
Me: "Several people from Amtgard. I guess they worry when you stop going, I dunno"
Erin: "Well that's news tome." 

Me: "I imagine if you aren't around they can't let you know they miss you"
Erin: "You managed somehow :)"
Me: " I know you have a phone if you have wifi.. I don't imagine most people think of that when they know they can't call you. Lol not everyone is that tech savvy"
Erin: "But I do have Facebook. I just don't feel like I'm wanted there i guess, and ive been working for rick and cathy"
Me: "Whether you're wanted there or not, it's good for you, but I get it. It just makes me sad. I'm glad you're working!"
Erin: "It is good for me, I recognize that. But without you and dad the magics gone"
Me: "Really? Half the time it felt like you didn't want us there. I guess it's in the perception. I rarely go here. I don't fit in. I'm too old for this park.

Almost an hour passed with no reply. 

Me: "Anyway, dad, tiny & I will be at salt wars

Erin: "Ok. I'm trying to find a ride"
Me: "Jenn is going, see if she can help"

My phone rings, it's Erin's number, but he isn't answering. I hear him talking to his roommates about their baby, Natasha. He sounds happy & normal.

Me: "Did you butt dial me?"
Erin: "Must have, sorry I'm asking jenn now"
Me: "No problem lol"
Erin: "It would be nice to know who asked about me? I don't know who my friends are"

Me: "Believe it or not, the first one was Mark. I'm not sure who else.. I think Leo, and someone else messaged dad too, but I don't remember who it was"
Erin: "Ok. Thank you"
Me: "Yep"

May 7, 2015: I sent a letter to our daughter, it was her 25th birthday. I missed her & knew birthdays were hard for her away from home. I regretted not remembering to send it earlier.

May 8, 2015: We got up early, grabbed breakfast & went to Sam's Club, got what we needed there, including roses for my mother-in-law & our daughter-in-law for Mother's Day & for me, too. We went & delivered my MIL's flowers to her & then went grocery shopping. We had other things we needed to do after that, like finishing up our shopping for the above-mentioned Salt Wars & I needed a vase for my roses, so we went to Walmart after we put the groceries away. Troy popped some onion rings in the oven while I was putting things away, and my phone rang at 1:49 in the other room. I had Troy answer it for me, so I didn't have to stop. He walked in, looking concerned & said, "It's Dawn, she wants to talk to you, she said it's important." and handed me the phone.

Me: "Hey, what's up?"
Dawn: "... Kassy (that's Erin's girlfriend) went in to wake Erin up a little while ago and she couldn't wake him up... Erin's dead.."

I don't know if she said anything else. I cried out, "Nooooooooo..." started wailing, handed the phone to Troy & hit the floor.

He lifted me up and tried to hold me, but I couldn't stand & kept trying to get away so I could sit down, I think I yelled at him to let me sit down, because when I got the phone back, I was in the chair in the living room.

She told me how everything went down, how his roommate tried to revive him, he couldn't, so they called EMS & another friend of Erin's, who came over & then they called our God-daughter's husband & he went over, and finally, he called Dawn.

I got off the phone, knowing I had a bunch of people to get a hold of & things that needed to be done so we could leave here & go back there. There was a voice mail on my phone when I hung up, it was our son-in-law, trying to notify me. I told him I already knew & he let me talk to Kassy. I gave her the specifics of which funeral home & all of that stuff & hung up.

We got a hold of everyone we could think of in the family before posting anything on Facebook, because everyone knew not to say anything there until I did. We forgot one of his best friends & he ended up finding out on Facebook, but I think we did okay otherwise.

This was what I posted on his Amtgard kingdom page (we're in different kingdoms now): "To those of you who know him, my son Sean Darkskul was just found deceased in his bed. I'll be on my way back to Utah to attend to everything I can attend to, I'm not sure how we'll afford it all, but we'll figure it out."

And to my own Facebook page: "It is with a broken heart & wounded soul that I come here right now. Our youngest son, Erin McSpadden, was found deceased in his bed this morning. We have no idea what happened, we don't know when we will know. I texted with him a few days ago, he seemed to be in good spirits, we had a good conversation, I wish it had been a phone call so at least I'd have that to hold onto. There will be a memorial as soon as we can get out there to take of it, so we'll keep you updated."

We spent a good amount of time that day trying to get answers from the PD, they didn't seem to understand that we had to have answers in order to move forward. We were hundreds of miles away & didn't even know where our son's body was, when the autopsy would be or even what to do next. Thankfully, once we got the information we needed, we were able to hand everything over to my MIL's husband, who owns a funeral home & is the county coroner here. We made plans to leave the next day, after we signed the paperwork for the death certificate.

That night, I tried to sleep.. I cried instead. I was so overwhelmed, so soul-sick & broken. I needed my best friends, I needed us all to be together.. we all raised our kids together, we were all hurting, we were a wounded & broken family.