2 months

2 months since my life changed forever.

2 months since your heart stopped beating & mine shattered into tiny pieces.

2 months since the music stopped playing.

2 months since I stopped being the mother of 3 & became the mother of 2 living & 1 dead.

2 months since everything crumbled to dust with one phone call.

Here it Comes

I've been doing better lately, I guess. I joined a grief group online that isn't full of religious platitudes telling me I'll see you again in "heaven" or claiming I'm an "angel mom" now, it's a place to vent my pain & anger to, people who understand my terror and that I'm overwhelmed most of the time, that the things that used to matter really don't anymore.

I can feel the pain coming. I know what tomorrow is. I know how long it's been, I'd know without the help of the calendar, just as I always knew how long it had been since I'd heard from you when you were traveling. My mind still plays tricks on me, with its crafty denial.. making me feel as if that's what's going on - that you're traveling & will visit me soon. Like I'm waiting for you. That's somehow worse, especially when I know you're gone. You are never coming to visit me again. I will never get to hug you again. I will never get to hear you laugh, talk or sing again. I will never see your smile or look of disgust again. 

I miss you. To the marrow of my bones, I hurt with missing you. I am empty. I don't know how to refill myself.

Baseball, Taos & Regrets

We should have stayed here. We should never have moved away. You could have played baseball, done scouts or any of the things you were always asking us to let you do. You could have spent your life getting to know your big brother, instead of waiting until you were 13 to have that chance - then maybe he could see the impact the loss of you really made on all of us who knew you forever. Maybe you wouldn't have been so restless. Maybe you wouldn't have been bored. Maybe everything would have been different.

We should have stayed there. We shouldn't have gone off on this huge folly, thinking we'd all be a big, happy family here & everything would be amazing. We lost everything to come home & buy a house. If we had waited, if we had been there, maybe we could have been there when you needed us,  maybe you wouldn't have felt abandoned. 

It seems my whole life, no matter what I did to try to make everything work, to make it better, it's been a failure. If I had just let life happen and stopped trying to control every aspect of it, it would have worked itself out.

We visited Taos yesterday, to watch our grand-nephew play baseball. I had always wanted to take you there. I have such fond memories of going there as a child, and even though it's been about 40 years between visits & its charm isn't the same as it once was, I still would have liked to go with you. I think you would have liked it, liked it's vibe. Nothing is as good knowing I can never share it with you. I've never been one, as an adult to bitch & cry about the unfairness of life, but this just isn't fair. I just don't see the purpose of your death. There is no reason or justification that will ever be good enough for me. I thought there were so many years left.

Another First Without You

I didn't write yesterday, it felt like we were a lot more busy than we really were. I think I was really just trying to avoid the fact that it was our first 4th of July without you. I have so many happy memories of the 4 of us celebrating. Going to watch the fireworks, where ever they were doing them that year & then as you got older, you & your sister helping Dad light them, helping me pick them out at the stand. 

That last one that we had when you weren't working, it as almost perfect, it could have only been better if your sister had been there, too. You & dad spent so much time playing music together that day. You got to really be an uncle for the first time that year, too, and you were so good with the girls. It hurts my heart to know that part of all of our lives is over - you were such a great uncle to all of them.

I miss you, Erin. Every minute of every day. 

Starting Over

"Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go;

It's learning to start again."

That is so true. I had to let go of you so long ago, I couldn't hold on & let you live life on your terms, I would never have been able to sleep or relax with worrying over you. You lived such a dangerous & toxic life for so long, I always assumed that you weren't going to live through it & I know that for awhile, you had no intention to.

Then you came home & you were getting your life together & I stopped worrying about you, started believing that you would become that person you dreamed of being before heroin & booze. You were awesome to be around, you were happier & more at ease with yourself than I'd ever seen you, I had my boyli back & we all had a second chance to get it right. 

I'm not sure what changed, why you started drinking & drugging again, after 18 months, but you did & things spiraled out of control until you ended up in jail. Things got better for a little while, then you started again, and we went through a roller coaster of using & not using to the end. 

We may never know for sure what happened that ended your life, I have to believe you wouldn't have put all of us through this pain on purpose, that you wouldn't have hurt us all this way, but what if you did? How will we all feel? It's hard enough trying to start my life over without you in it - how will I do it while carrying that guilt & anger?

Maybe No Tattoo Now

Well. I was told other people had made arrangements to make sure our memorial tattoos were paid for. Today I was told that wasn't going to be happening. We have so much debt right now. Part of it from making too many trips to Utah, part of it because of choices we made, I'm just not sure how all of this is going to come together now.

I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm worried. I just want, for one day, to feel normal - to feel how I used to, when everything that happened wasn't a freaking crisis in my mind.

I Never Realized

I don't think I even knew how many times you crossed my mind every day, in the most casual ways, but since you still do, I'm going to say it's probably always been that way. I'm sure your sister & brother cross it just as many times a days, but because it doesn't hurt, I don't really notice it. I miss your sister & I worry about her, because I haven't heard from her in awhile, but that's different than the sudden realization after thinking, "What should I get Erin for his birthday?" that you're gone & your birthdays will just be another day to remember that you're gone. 

I bought a planner a few days after we got back from your first memorial, it's been really therapeutic while I stagger my way through the loss of you. It helps me see that even though Friday still hurts, that there are other things during the week that don't, and that when I mark the day you died each month, that the month shows me things that I can celebrate and be happy about. I look forward to using it every day & decorating it every week, making things for it and all of that. It's one of the few truly selfish things I'm doing these days. 

So, today's picture is the layout I did for next week, the 2 month anniversary of your death. It's green & black, because you loved those colors. The owls represent the souls of the newly departed dead. The quotes speak to me about your life, how you lived fully & fearlessly, loved to travel & introduced your whole family to Harry Potter.