Just. Stop.

Well, we almost lost another one. BT was in a really scary car accident this past weekend, he completely totaled his car on I-70, and could very well have died in it. He had no injuries at all, which is a huge relief. 

I'm not sure what's going on & why we've had so many close calls this year, just in the past few months really, but it needs to stop. None of us can take any more loss. We've had our limit. I know in my case, just the thought of losing anyone else causes me to start to panic. One can only manage to carry so many layers of grief at a time.

We're trying to figure out a way to get him back to Utah with us this week now, for your funeral rites, so I'm guessing our travel plans have to change slightly, which is fine, whatever gets him there.

I got to talk for quite a long time to your sister today (on the phone) which was great. I've missed her so much, and it's nice to have the luxury to talk for as long as we wanted to about whatever came up. We haven't done that in a long time.

Another First Without You

I didn't write yesterday, it felt like we were a lot more busy than we really were. I think I was really just trying to avoid the fact that it was our first 4th of July without you. I have so many happy memories of the 4 of us celebrating. Going to watch the fireworks, where ever they were doing them that year & then as you got older, you & your sister helping Dad light them, helping me pick them out at the stand. 

That last one that we had when you weren't working, it as almost perfect, it could have only been better if your sister had been there, too. You & dad spent so much time playing music together that day. You got to really be an uncle for the first time that year, too, and you were so good with the girls. It hurts my heart to know that part of all of our lives is over - you were such a great uncle to all of them.

I miss you, Erin. Every minute of every day. 

Another First Without You

The first Father's Day without you. Dad is very quiet and sad-feeling (he isn't showing it, I feel it), we haven't said much about it, and I feel like I'm being shut out, but I guess that's ok, it hurts, but there are things that hurt much worse than that. Hopefully it'll all iron out & not destroy what we have.

We never made a big deal out of Father's & Mother's Day, in a way, that kind of eases the pain of these holidays. Everyone going on & on about them doesn't help, but it isn't their fault that they are able to find happiness in them, they have their children, their lives are intact. They should, by all means, have an amazing day & make wondeful memories with their children. 

Just Keep Swimming

I've done my level best this week to just stay busy. To not allow myself time to stop & think, or remember or miss you. I'll probably cry while writing this, but that's the way it goes & part of the process.

I ordered prints of pictures of you for us, Kassy & Rhi, I've also spent time going through old pictures of you, looking for duplicates to send along. I know I have copies of all of your school pictures somewhere, and while they don't catch your personality like candids do, I've lost most of those from your early childhood. When I find the scrapbooks, I'll scan the pictures from those & have them printed, too, although the early pictures are the most painful.

I find myself feeling a lot of jealousy towards people who still have all of their kids and the inside jokes they have & enjoy with them. I cried last night thinking about the cracklin' man & how I'd never get another text from you just saying "Hellow."

Dad is having a hard time this week, with Father's Day looming tomorrow, we've pretty much agreed to just ignore it the best we can, unless your sister calls. On the positive side of it, it's one less first we have to go through after it's over.

I joined an online, non-religious grief support group. It helps knowing there are people to talk to when I need to, that won't feel like they have to fix it and won't judge me for still grieving for you, no matter how long it takes. I feel like less of a burden.