I know..

It's been a month since I posted anything in here. It's hard to write sometimes when you feel like there may be people reading this & sitting there in judgement of my words & feelings.

We finally received your death certificate about a week & a half or so ago. I told the people that I felt needed to know & didn't tell anyone else. It's a private matter, a family matter, not for the whole world. So, if you read this & I didn't tell you, I most likely felt like you didn't have a need to know (or I forgot), but you know, it won't change anything, you're still dead.

Dad had another bad day today, he had to take a vacation day & leave work. It's hard to answer phone calls when you're crying. We all just miss you so damned much.

Oh. You were right about me being anemic. I'm getting a handle on it now. I should have listened to you then, but it sounded crazy. Now I'm exhausted all the time & just hoping to start feeling normal again. If I have a normal anymore.

Sadness

I'm sad today. I miss you. Most days I think I manage to convince myself that you're in Cedar & I'm here & I just haven't heard from you lately, then it hits me that I'm never going to hear from you again, that you're really & truly gone. Then there are tears.

I don't often beat myself up over all of it anymore, but I have my days when I start thinking I should have let your fosters adopt you & then at least, you'd still be alive, because obviously the reason you're dead is because of my shitty parenting. On my more lucid & realistic days, I know that I have absolutely no idea what you'd have been like if you hadn't grown up in my home. Most days, I'm just grateful that I got that time with you, that I got to watch you grow into an amazing man - and you were amazing, Erin, in spite of your addictions, you were a special person. I'm not sure that anyone who spent any time with you at all ever really forgot you.

I really have only one true regret - at least today - and that is that I never got to tell you goodbye. I'm not sure that would have given me any closure, but I wish I'd been able to. To just let you know, at the end, and no matter what else, his very much I love you. It hurts me to think that you might have thought otherwise. I never stopped loving you. I never gave up on you.

I took this at the fair the other day - goats will always make me think of you. 

Wow!

I've been slacking off on my blogging apparently. I guess the past few days have been okay, since it seems like I don't post much on those days. I probably should, I think this should be a place that tells the story of our journey while we navigate our pain & loss, and the good days are always going to be a part of it.

We spent the day yesterday doing laundry. I slept in pretty late, since I really haven't been feeling all that great for about a week or so. Dad played a game on the 360 for quite awhile, too & then we took a donation to Goodwill & stopped at the store. 

Today was groceries & such, which we got done before dad went to work at 10:30. I went back to bed for about an hour, I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  

The State Fair started today, we plan to go on Sunday, since we haven't been since you guys were tiny. At least we can park at dad's job & catch the shuttle, which is a lot cheaper than trying to get parking close by. 

I just can't believe I've been here for almost a year - that it's been almost a year since I saw you last. I wish you could have known how much we missed you & how much we love you. You always seemed to believe that our love for you could go away, and here it is, just like it always was, but now you're gone & we can't show you anymore. I just miss you, Erin.

I miss this..

Relationships

I know that you struggled with relationships the last year if your life - trying to figure out where you fit in, who your friends were, how to keep your independence & the people you loved at the same time. You were forging new friendships & making new relationships with people you'd known awhile.

I wonder about some of those relationships, not understanding what the draw to those people was. I know you rarely offered just part of your friendship to anyone, so you must have seen something worthwhile in order to expend the effort. I know that like attracts like & that probably explains more than I want to think about right now.

I honestly wish you could have seen how many people genuinely loved & cared for you. I wish you hadn't shut so many people out of your life. I wish you had realized how much dad & I loved you & wanted the best for you, even when things were difficult between us. I guess I could spend the rest of my life beating myself up with all of the "if only" and "I wish" statements, but they won't bring you back.

I just miss you.

Life

Another day off for dad, more time relaxing & doing whatever. We're getting ready to draft players for fantasy football with your brother, it should be pretty fun. It'll be something to do, at any rate.

We went to the library today (yes, it's open on Sunday) and I'm finally reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' since I seem to be the only person on the planet who hasn't read it.

Tiblows sent me a message today, apologizing for the way he treated you guys as kids & expressing his condolences, then he launched into a good, old-fashioned LDS sermon, so I was done at that point. I might have been able to tell him I forgave him, but after that, I'm just going to ignore the whole thing. We all know how much I love being preached to.

I've been okay the past couple of days, an little bitterness about various things, but mostly just moving on & going through the motions of every day life. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get by.

Hanging On

Some days I wonder if I'm waiting for all of this to feel real or if I'm hoping it never does.

It seems I've lost so much in the time since you died, but if I think long & hard, I've gained some things, too.

I lost you, and along with that a huge chunk of my identity, who I thought I was all of these years. Who I was on May 7, 2015, died the next day, and I struggle with figuring out who I am now. I lost the ability to think about your childhood & because of that I can't think about anything during those years, it all hurts too much. I lost some friends, but I have to wonder if they were really my friends after all. I lost my belief that I'm lucky - I used to believe that I was the luckiest woman in the world - I had a great husband who loved me, 3 great kids, amazing bonus kids, beautiful grandchildren, awesome friends & so much more. I wasn't lucky, fate was just waiting to start taking it all away until I wasn't paying attention.. Until I had started to take it all for granted. Now I'm just scared.

I gained a new understanding of loss. I gained the ability to set boundaries for myself & uphold them. I am grateful. I don't take the people in my life for granted anymore. I cherish those people in my life that I know will stick by me no matter what, those who accept me for who I am, who forgive when we have arguments & who understand that sometimes I'm irrational & over the top, but that I'm not always that way. I learned that I was right when I said I would never survive one of my children dying - because I'm not that person anymore, she didn't survive, but the woman I am today, the one who was born from your ashes, is stronger than I ever thought I could be. 

I Didn't Know

I never knew you'd be so lost when we moved.

I never planned to leave you behind.

 The plan was always that you'd come with us, and I still believed that until the day you got into the car in November & went back to Utah with Dad.

When we bought this house, we were so excited because there was room for all of us, even if we had to be somewhat creative about it. Then suddenly you were moving out because you weren't coming with us & you started to shut down & push us out of your life. You started to lie to me & act cold & hurt & angry. 

You & your sister were both adrift without us, you were both terrified the other would leave & when she went back to prison I never knew you'd feel so lost & alone in the world. I was here, Erin. All you had to do was reach out. I'd have done anything I could have to help you then, but I couldn't because you never told me that you were struggling. 

Did you know at the end of January, when you took that last walk with her, that it would truly be your last walk together? That the two of you would never have another conversation together? 

Did you know on May 6, that you'd never make it to Salt War? That I'd never see you again? Never talk to you again? I was so excited to see you.

I miss you, Erin. There's a hole in my soul that's shaped like you (suddenly I was reminded of your sister singing 'The shape of a boy...' at you), that will never be full again & I don't know what to do to ease the hurt, to make this horrible, overwhelming sense of loss go away. Some days I think I'm okay, but then, in the middle of the night, thoughts like these strike me & the tears start & I know the next day will be another one full of tears.

It's been awhile since I had a day like this. I feel out of sorts, overwhelmed & empty today.

Still Unreal

Some days it's still almost impossible for me to believe that you're gone. Today, I watching a video of a dog that knew how to climb down a ladder (and presumably up one, too) & my first thought was to post it to your Facebook & tell you it was the next trick you need to teach Bella. I actually started to & then reality stuck it's nasty nose in there & reminded me that if she was going to learn anything new, it was gonna be me that taught her. I hate it. It does me no good to stomp my feet & insist it isn't fair & that I want you back, everyone knows it isn't fair & none of us can change it.

Sadly, though, I'm seeing some of the relationships that your death helped heal falling apart again. Enough time has passed for true natures & old feelings & resentments to start to come back. Some that weren't damaged before are now, because life is a messed up, crazy ride & sometimes people are just unhappy with who they're sitting with. I guess, in the end, everything will be the way it's meant to be, good or bad.

Reflection

Losing you has caused me to do a lot of thinking. But just about what may have gone wrong to take your life, but how I live my life, how I love the people in my life & the things that are worth fighting for or those hat I should just leave behind because they're dragging me down.

I'm working on trying to accept that I'll never understand what went on with you in last year you were alive & that I may not ever know why you died. Right now those thoughts don't give me any peace or comfort, maybe one day, the acceptance might.

I'm accepting that there are people who, no matter how much I may love them, have no place in my life either because of their own behavior regarding me or my behavior regarding them. It's easier at a distance to see who those people are & to see who those are that I need & can't do without. 

I'm learning that all of those things that I thought were the big, important things really weren't.  Those little things that I was never sure mattered? Those are all the things I miss about you. Your silliness. Your smile. Your outrage. The arguments. Drinking coffee with you. Listening to you play music. Seeing the joy you felt when you were working outside. Watching you at Amtgard. I rarely think about the things that aggravated & worried me so much. I didn't think I'd ever miss worrying about you, but if I was worried, you'd still be here.

I try to remember, when people are angry at me for standing up for what I believe is right, that those same people will miss that about me when I too, am gone. I know that even though you & I often argued about what we thought was right, I miss that you cared enough about the world & people to stand up when you saw an injustice, even if it meant I was going to disagree.

I'm working on learning to love people in spite of their faults & to stop focusing on those things, because that's how I want to be loved by people. That has to happen within reason, because I'm still too fragile emotionally to allow people's faults to injure me, and to know when to let go of them. I should already know how to do this, but since I don't, it's high time I learned.

Life Goes On

Still waiting for your DC, I often wonder if we'll be waiting forever. At any rate, when it dies get here, I gave no intention to post your cause of death publicly. There are very few people who really have a need and a right to know that. It's just not for public consumption. 

People are still angry about tattoos & angry at me for not jumping on the bandwagon to screw the artist, but that's life. It goes on & you either realize you were wrong in your reaction, or you don't. The very worst part of the whole thing is that there were people who were waiting to get theirs, who were being reasonable & decent & they won't be able to afford to get theirs now. Isn't that always the way things go, though? Someone gets greedy or pushy & ruins it for the people who are quiet & waiting in line.

I've been sick, some cold or other bug. Probably from changing climates going back & forth to Utah, but I'm feeling better today. Bella is afraid of thunder & fireworks now, I'm not sure if it's learned behavior from Tiny or something else, but she is.

I'm okay. I worry that Zoloft is preventing me from grieving properly, but I guess I'll take being numb over crying every day. I do cry occasionally, but I'm better able to process my thoughts about your death this way. I'm not beating myself up over it these days. I didn't take your hand & lead you up that final path. You walked that alone, fully aware of the consequences & what was lying ahead if you didn't turn around. I offered you a way out. A place to start over, yet again. You didn't want it. That was your choice. I miss you. I love you. But I didn't kill you.

Not Much to Say

There isn't much going on. We still haven't received your death certificate, with your cause of death. Maybe someday we will, I hope so, since we paid for a copy & all. I guess if it never gets here, we can always order one, I just don't want to have to do that.

Haven't heard from your sister in a few days, which might be a bad thing, but of course, I have no idea. I imagine I should check up on her & make sure she's still ok. 

My tattoo is itching like a mo'fo' today, so us Dawn's. I think Ike, Jen & Jason are getting theirs today. I'm excited to see what Jön does with their ideas. I'm not sure when anyone else is having theirs done, we told people to go & talk to him & set up appointments, hopefully they are.

Easier - At Least Right Now

I feel better since we got back home. It could be closure, it could be Zoloft, it doesn't matter, I feel like I can get through every day now. I still ache for your presence, I still feel like a piece of my soul is missing, but I know that will always be the case. Our family will always be missing a member, we can't change that, no matter how much we all wish we could, or that we could understand what happened that night. I'm learning to deal with my regrets, either by owning them or releasing them, a little at a time, eventually, maybe the only ones that will be left will be those that changed all of us.

I love you, Erin. 

I miss you, my boyli.

Those things will never change.

Back Home

I really didn't have time to write much while we were gone, it seemed the only time I wasn't busy, I was in bed. Our tattoo is beautiful, Erin, you'd have approved of it. Jön did an amazing job of capturing what I was going for with it. Dawn's tattoo was even more you - it made several of your friends tear up. I have a pretty strong feeling you know all of this, though, I felt you pretty strongly while we were there and I'm not the only one.

Your funeral rites were everything I hoped they would be. Several of your friends were there, everyone spoke about you & I think it was the closure & beginning of healing that everyone needed. There was a lot of energy in the circle that night & a whole lot of love. Whatever else you may have been in your life, Erin, you were loved by so many people.

Your sis didn't come back with us like she planned & while I'm disappointed, I understand that she wasn't ready & it's ok. Hopefully, we have plenty of time left together, but as I learned with you, you just never know.

Packed. Ready.

Everything but the cooler is in my car & ready to go. I hope. I think we're about as ready as we can ever be. We've both been very emotional today, knowing your birthday is tomorrow & that from here on out we're just marking dates where you would've been a certain age hurts. It's impossible to begin to describe the feeling. Then, 2 days after that marks the 3rd month that you've been gone from our lives.

It's not easier. 

It's not better.

If you ever seriously entertained the idea that we would all be "better off" without you, we aren't.

We are all just empty shells that walk around with pasted on smiles so that no one asks if we're ok. We aren't ok. We will probably never fully be ok again. If anyone who asks how I am was really interested, I'd tell them how I am. I'm broken, my life is shattered, my dreams are dead, I hurt every day. I cry, at least a little, every day of my life. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I'm not jealous of people who have all of their children or of inside jokes that parents share with their kids. I'm angry. Angry because this is so fucking unfair. Angry because I get to spend the rest of my life without one of my kids. Angry because this pain is who I am now & I hate it & hate crying. That's how I am.

Almost Time to Go

Our clothes are ready to go, I'm almost done getting everything else ready to go out to the car. I was printing your obituary & ran out of ink (of course) and since the choice is buying food for the trip to Utah or buying ink, I asked our tribe to help out & it's being handled.

We have to leave early to go get BT since he has no car to drive now, and he's leading your funeral rites & really, even if he wasn't, he'd want to be there. You left a bunch of devastated siblings when you died, young people who shouldn't have to be dealing with this loss, but are nonetheless. In most cases, they are doing it quietly & in their own way, but grieving & broken, they are.

I'm amazed by the number of people who are just beginning to find out about your death. It was the most life-changing event (other than becoming a mother) in my life, it feels like there's no way the world doesn't already know (do you know who I am?!?) I guess it's filtering through your sister's FB now, to people you didn't have in common & they all seem equally surprised that you're gone. She's okay, on the outside, but like all of us, obliterated on the inside. She calls me often, we both feel your loss profoundly. She's coming home with us Sunday, to spend time with us, to see if she wants to move here eventually, to get to know this place you were both born in & to scatter your ashes where you began. We're trying to leave as little of you there as we can, we know you didn't want to be there & I sure as hell don't want your remains being left there. I couldn't convince you to leave, but I'll be damned if I leave more of your ashes there than I have to.

Stupid

Why do I find myself feeling guilty when I'm happy? That's so stupid. I didn't kill you. I didn't do anything that lead, in any way, to your death, why should I feel guilty when I'm able to find a tiny spot in a day that actually makes me smile - or heaven forbid - laugh? I'm along way from feeling normal & I'm honestly not even sure what that means anymore, at least for me, but unlike the first month, I have entire days when I don't cry. 

Dad & I were out last night, getting our lone dinner out during our pay period, and something struck me as funny & I laughed, dad laughed along with me & I instantly felt guilty, as if by being miserable & completely bereft all of the time will somehow - if I'm just sad enough - it will bring you back.

That's ridiculous. Why would my mind even do that?

An "Easy" Day

Some days, like today, it's easy to talk about you, to vocalize our feelings of guilt & question each other about what really did & didn't happen during your childhood. I hate the your dad carries this heavy burden of guilt over things you claimed he did that never happened. I hate that he doesn't question your stories, but instead, questions his sanity because he lacks the ability to remember events that never occurred.

I hope that one day we'll be able to actually talk about your childhood & smile and laugh & hold all of that close to our hearts, but right now, it's just too much, it's too painful.

I find myself living in dread of the mail, knowing that your death certificate should be coming soon & with it we'll know what you died from. Right now, I can still make myself believe it was something medical that we didn't know about, after it gets here I will know for sure what it was. I'm not sure if my heart can break into pieces smaller than its already in.

So Loved

I am always blown away to realize how loved you were by people. A potluck was put together in a very short time for your funeral, easily, no drama, with food you'd have loved. Word was put out to try to include people who'd want to know & I tried to explain what was going on & ended up looking like a fool, but whatever, things like that don't matter to me anymore. What matters is doing the things that comfort me & make me feel like I can keep going every day.

Some days are easier than others, some days are still filled with tears & pain. Today has been pretty good. It's been easier than a lot of my days. Having your ashes near me all the time has been a comfort. I wear them with Darby's Thor's Hammer (he gave it to me at Salt War). When I miss you I can hold the vial & know you're close, that even if I can see you, you'll always be a part of me.

This missing you. This pain. It'll never be "better" and I'll never be "done" but I can live with it, the alternative us to hurt everyone who loves me in the same way I'm hurting & that is unacceptable.

It's All Ashes

Your sister is finally out & back home, so maybe she can start to heal & learn to live without you.

I finally opened the box your ashes were in today. Just opening it & seeing that all you once were was sitting there in a plastic bag broke me again, but I powered through & opened the bags & started separating pieces of you to give to people who loved you, who still love you & will miss you always. I always thought that all cremains looked like they show on TV & the movies. You know, gray, powdery all if that. Not yours. Yours are almost white & grainy, almost like sand. It would be easy to convince myself that the bits of bone in there are seashells, but I won't do that to myself.

So. One more step on the path of letting you go.

Getting it Together

I'm almost ready. I've created, printed, cut & folded. If that was all a funeral was, I'd definitely be ready. It isn't. It's more than that. It's a symbol of something I'm not sure I'm really ready for, yet. I'm not sure I'm ready for that final step - giving you back, to start your journey anew. To let the earth & the ancestors have you. I know it's time - past time - but I was supposed to get to keep all three if you, you guys were supposed to be the ones giving me back, letting me start over again. It's not fair. It'll never feel fair or just or anything else close to it, but it is what it is & all of my tears aren't going to change that. I guess I'll be as ready as I can be when that day comes.