1Month

I'm not even sure what to say. It hurts just as much today as it did a month ago, it just isn't on the top of my mind all the time. It's there, every day, I'm sure it always will be, I still cry a lot, I still question everything I did or said in the last year wondering if there was anything that could have changed your life, I still miss you, I still can't let myself remember your childhood. 

In other ways, I'm doing better - or forcing myself to do better - I'm getting my chores done, I'm cooking, I'm making plans, we're living our lives & doing things for fun again. I still escape into sleep every night & feel like I could sleep for several days at a time & still not get enough rest, but I accept that it's normal & a part of the process.

Sometimes I still have to take life one second at a time, and there are still plenty of days spent crying, but it's not every day anymore, so I'm going to count that as progress.

Staying Busy

I've spent the past couple of days staying busy, trying not to focus on tomorrow being the 8th & one month. The house is clean, groceries are bought & mostly put away, food for the next two weeks is planned, library books checked in & new ones are checked out.

I bought fabric for a purse & wallet to make, we wandered through the mall, chose movies to see at the drive-in tonight & bought snacks for that. I even had a short nap. It's raining & the wind is blowing, so the bedroom is nice & cool right now.

I feel my grief, I accept that it's there & have been able to move forward, I know every day won't be like that, but I'm going to take advantage of those that are.

Time

Well.. In two days you'll have been gone a month. We still don't have your ashes, nor have we heard anything about them, so I guess we need to call the funeral home on Monday & see what's going on.

I can't remember from one day to the next what I've posted & what I haven't, between the grief & ADD, I swear I've lost my ability to think, reason & remember most days.

We finally got the front yard fenced & gated, which makes the dogs very happy. The first time we let them out without us last night they were very tentative & shocked to be out on their own, not on a lead. They quickly got used to the idea though & love wandering around, sniffing & exploring, especially Bella. She's lost her pudge & isn't a sausage anymore, which I know would make you happy, and she looks and acts healthy & mostly happy. There are times when I know she's sad & confused, and times when I know she's waiting for you. I feel terrible for her - we may not like it, but we know you're gone & never coming back - she still believes you'll be back for her (& I believe that when her time comes, you will come to get her, but please, not too soon, she's all I have), and she'll wait for you forever. I don't know, maybe those times when she gets unaccountably excited & starts wagging her whole body & yip-barking she feels you there & maybe you're keeping her company, the thought that you are comforts me. 

We'll all be okay one day. We won't stop missing you or grieving the loss of you & we'll be different, but we will be ok.

Four Weeks

Another Friday. Another week trying to get used to the idea that we'll never see you again. How can that even be? There were still things we all wanted to do together? How is it even possible that we'll never get to now? 

Why?!?! Why is all I have left of you is a guitar, a leather jacket & a giant hole in my soul?  Why is that I now get to try to rely on my memory of who you were and pictures? I don't even have a voicemail to try to save & listen to over & over so I never forget your voice.

Why can the memory of that day still bring me to my knees & steal the breath from my lungs?

I'm trying so hard just to get through every day, to just get things done & I can't even do that. I start to clean the kitchen and it never gets done. I plan to get the living room dusted & vacuumed, but I haven't done it. None of it even matters anymore. It's all just stuff that has to be taken care of when half the time I'm not sure I can take care of myself.

Not Real

Every time I see a picture of you, it still feels like I'll see you again, that if I wait long enough, if I'm just patient, you'll be back. It's so hard for me to accept that you'll always be on the verge of turning 27, that you'll never be any older, you'll always, in my mind, look the same. Frozen in time, and in my memories.

I just don't understand what we could have done to deserve this. To have to spend the rest of our lives without you, why? We just wanted all of us to be together, to live in a place where we could all be happy & move forward as a family & now? It'll never happen, even if your sister makes it out here,  you'll still never be joining us.

Someday I hope I can accept that. Someday I'll accept that no matter what I say or do, I can't change this. Not today, but maybe someday.

So Much..

Do you even know how many people considered you to be their best friend? There are days when I'm just blown away by the lives you touched in your short life.

There are still people who are just finding out that you're gone. I feel terrible that they're finding out this way, but it can't be helped, we posted on every page we could think of, hoping word would spread throughout your huge circle of friends, we did what we could.

I'm finally back to where I feel like doing more than sitting here, lost in my thoughts or sleeping. I know it would be easier if I had my antidepressants, but I don't, so I'm coping as best as I can. I cooked enchiladas the night before last, out of the blue, just because I wanted them. I'm thinking about making pizza tomorrow night, after Dad & I work on getting our fence up. The dogs definitely need a place to run & play here, so we'll get it up, even though it'll be hard with just the two of us.

Today I'm going to start sketching out the tattoo I'm getting in your memory. I think you'd be amused that many of your friends are getting your "bullmoose" tattoo duplicated in your memory. I'm not. I'm finally getting that Phoenix we wanted to get together, you'll be there, in a way, although I'd have preferred getting it with you. 

This is my life now, doing the things I would have done with you alone. Fences. Sprinklers. Playing with Bella. Tattoos. Everything.

Contemplation

I spent an insane amount of time between yesterday & today updating & revamping one of my old, unused blogs so that I would have a place to journal, somewhere to talk about my feelings that doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. It's been so good for me to just be able to say how I feel without worrying about making anyone else who loved you cry, or without thinking that my "friends" on FB or Google+ would get tired of seeing it & block me or unfriend me, because I'm not grieving as quickly as they think I should. 

Someone told me earlier today that it was "your time to go" and that they had left us alone during our "initial period of grieving." Like now, at almost 4 weeks, we should be nearing the end of our pain or shock or anger or disbelief. Guess what? We don't even have your ashes back, let alone your death certificate or a cause of death, and while it may not be all-encompassing (at least today), we're far from over our initial grief. We still have almost all of those heartbreaking "firsts" to get through, maybe when we survive those, we can say that we'll be okay.

I think about you all the time, I talk to you, even if it's just in my own head all the time, too. I still start to text you because I haven't heard from you & I wonder what you're up to & if you're okay - it breaks me anew every time I realize that I'll never hear from you again & that you aren't okay, because you're dead. I see the dogs do something cute & I think about how it would make you smile, and I miss your smile so, so much.. More at times than I miss your face & your voice.

We went to a bluegrass festival on Sunday that you'd have loved, there were so many groups you'd have enjoyed & so much great music. We fully intend to go back next year, we really enjoyed it, a lot. 

The dogs were playing tug together with the crab you bought them a little while ago, it would have made you laugh. I tried to get a picture of it, but Emmy wanted to get involved (I still think of you telling them not to "get the jacket involved" every time I say that), so I couldn't. She calls the crab "crabbit" and pretends to be afraid of it. It makes me so sad to know that she'll never remember you, or meeting you & how you spoiled her rotten with Halloween candy when you did. That you won't get to see her grow up, or any of your nieces or nephews. You were such an awesome uncle to them all.