I know..

It's been a month since I posted anything in here. It's hard to write sometimes when you feel like there may be people reading this & sitting there in judgement of my words & feelings.

We finally received your death certificate about a week & a half or so ago. I told the people that I felt needed to know & didn't tell anyone else. It's a private matter, a family matter, not for the whole world. So, if you read this & I didn't tell you, I most likely felt like you didn't have a need to know (or I forgot), but you know, it won't change anything, you're still dead.

Dad had another bad day today, he had to take a vacation day & leave work. It's hard to answer phone calls when you're crying. We all just miss you so damned much.

Oh. You were right about me being anemic. I'm getting a handle on it now. I should have listened to you then, but it sounded crazy. Now I'm exhausted all the time & just hoping to start feeling normal again. If I have a normal anymore.

Sadness

I'm sad today. I miss you. Most days I think I manage to convince myself that you're in Cedar & I'm here & I just haven't heard from you lately, then it hits me that I'm never going to hear from you again, that you're really & truly gone. Then there are tears.

I don't often beat myself up over all of it anymore, but I have my days when I start thinking I should have let your fosters adopt you & then at least, you'd still be alive, because obviously the reason you're dead is because of my shitty parenting. On my more lucid & realistic days, I know that I have absolutely no idea what you'd have been like if you hadn't grown up in my home. Most days, I'm just grateful that I got that time with you, that I got to watch you grow into an amazing man - and you were amazing, Erin, in spite of your addictions, you were a special person. I'm not sure that anyone who spent any time with you at all ever really forgot you.

I really have only one true regret - at least today - and that is that I never got to tell you goodbye. I'm not sure that would have given me any closure, but I wish I'd been able to. To just let you know, at the end, and no matter what else, his very much I love you. It hurts me to think that you might have thought otherwise. I never stopped loving you. I never gave up on you.

I took this at the fair the other day - goats will always make me think of you. 

Wow!

I've been slacking off on my blogging apparently. I guess the past few days have been okay, since it seems like I don't post much on those days. I probably should, I think this should be a place that tells the story of our journey while we navigate our pain & loss, and the good days are always going to be a part of it.

We spent the day yesterday doing laundry. I slept in pretty late, since I really haven't been feeling all that great for about a week or so. Dad played a game on the 360 for quite awhile, too & then we took a donation to Goodwill & stopped at the store. 

Today was groceries & such, which we got done before dad went to work at 10:30. I went back to bed for about an hour, I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  

The State Fair started today, we plan to go on Sunday, since we haven't been since you guys were tiny. At least we can park at dad's job & catch the shuttle, which is a lot cheaper than trying to get parking close by. 

I just can't believe I've been here for almost a year - that it's been almost a year since I saw you last. I wish you could have known how much we missed you & how much we love you. You always seemed to believe that our love for you could go away, and here it is, just like it always was, but now you're gone & we can't show you anymore. I just miss you, Erin.

I miss this..

Relationships

I know that you struggled with relationships the last year if your life - trying to figure out where you fit in, who your friends were, how to keep your independence & the people you loved at the same time. You were forging new friendships & making new relationships with people you'd known awhile.

I wonder about some of those relationships, not understanding what the draw to those people was. I know you rarely offered just part of your friendship to anyone, so you must have seen something worthwhile in order to expend the effort. I know that like attracts like & that probably explains more than I want to think about right now.

I honestly wish you could have seen how many people genuinely loved & cared for you. I wish you hadn't shut so many people out of your life. I wish you had realized how much dad & I loved you & wanted the best for you, even when things were difficult between us. I guess I could spend the rest of my life beating myself up with all of the "if only" and "I wish" statements, but they won't bring you back.

I just miss you.

Broken Trust

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time feeling close to people who lie to me or pretend to be on my side in an argument so that they can tell the other party everything I said. 

There isn't any reason to lie to people.

I don't believe I was accidentally unfriended. 

I don't  believe that people found out my blog address on their own. 

I don't believe that treating people like shit until you need something is decent human behavior.

I don't have time to waste on people who value the psychotic opinions of assholes over a relationship where I've been there for them for almost as long as they can remember. 

I don't need friends so desperately that I'm willing to betray the people who have stepped up as true family in my life to keep them. 

It's clear to me that some people will never understand that some of us don't throw the word "family" around, that it really does mean something to us. It hurts us when you treat us like we're casual acquaintances until we can do something for you.

I've had my fill of lies. If I've unfriended you (or you have done the same to me) don't request to be readded. I'm done.

Life

Another day off for dad, more time relaxing & doing whatever. We're getting ready to draft players for fantasy football with your brother, it should be pretty fun. It'll be something to do, at any rate.

We went to the library today (yes, it's open on Sunday) and I'm finally reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' since I seem to be the only person on the planet who hasn't read it.

Tiblows sent me a message today, apologizing for the way he treated you guys as kids & expressing his condolences, then he launched into a good, old-fashioned LDS sermon, so I was done at that point. I might have been able to tell him I forgave him, but after that, I'm just going to ignore the whole thing. We all know how much I love being preached to.

I've been okay the past couple of days, an little bitterness about various things, but mostly just moving on & going through the motions of every day life. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get by.

Hanging On

Some days I wonder if I'm waiting for all of this to feel real or if I'm hoping it never does.

It seems I've lost so much in the time since you died, but if I think long & hard, I've gained some things, too.

I lost you, and along with that a huge chunk of my identity, who I thought I was all of these years. Who I was on May 7, 2015, died the next day, and I struggle with figuring out who I am now. I lost the ability to think about your childhood & because of that I can't think about anything during those years, it all hurts too much. I lost some friends, but I have to wonder if they were really my friends after all. I lost my belief that I'm lucky - I used to believe that I was the luckiest woman in the world - I had a great husband who loved me, 3 great kids, amazing bonus kids, beautiful grandchildren, awesome friends & so much more. I wasn't lucky, fate was just waiting to start taking it all away until I wasn't paying attention.. Until I had started to take it all for granted. Now I'm just scared.

I gained a new understanding of loss. I gained the ability to set boundaries for myself & uphold them. I am grateful. I don't take the people in my life for granted anymore. I cherish those people in my life that I know will stick by me no matter what, those who accept me for who I am, who forgive when we have arguments & who understand that sometimes I'm irrational & over the top, but that I'm not always that way. I learned that I was right when I said I would never survive one of my children dying - because I'm not that person anymore, she didn't survive, but the woman I am today, the one who was born from your ashes, is stronger than I ever thought I could be.